Opportunity to Recommit

I have been on an incredible journey - still on it in fact - this year.

I honestly do not know if I would have had the courage or the opportunity to take this journey if we had not moved.

I've been reading a wide range of books: self-help, historical fiction, classics, memoirs (war & someone else's life!), manga, a little romance, up-lifting, etc.

I've even started books and for whatever reason have decided not to finish them.

I've started reading the scriptures again. I pray, read & write. Something I learned when we lived in Tennessee and I was a young mother.

I focused solely on my children's education and church. It has been liberating! So much time to get everything done when I focus on the truly important things in my life.

I have also been dealing with pain.

Spent 2 months with a constant headache (I don't recommend doing that). It got so bad that my head was tender to the touch - even my hair follicles hurt!

Then, a wonderful doctor realized I was having problems with my TMJ (the jaw joint). For the past two months, I have been on a mechanical soft food diet (a limited food diet that keep my jaw chewing to a minimum of 3 chews per bite) and 4 different drugs that stopped the pain, reduced the inflammation and relaxed my muscles.

Yesterday, a couple of things happened.

1 - I learned I also have a mild form of sleep apnea. The doctor does not want to address that problem until the jaw is healed. When we do address the sleep apnea, I will more than likely wear either a mask at night to help get oxygen into me or a mouth device that pulls my jaw forward to give my tongue more room so I can get enough oxygen at night.

2 - I was told by my doctor I could start dropping some of the pain medication since I am doing so well.

Pretty exciting, huh?

Actually, it was a bittersweet day.

Who wants to be told they are healing enough in one area to only learn there is another area that must be worked on...okay, maybe I am just being a baby and a bit whiny.

I do know the goal is to be healthy. To be the best me. To live my life to the fullest and, if possible, live pain free.

Here is the thing: I have a choice. Starting today, I have a choice. This choice is going to affect me for the rest of my life.

I can do exactly what the doctor says without changing one personal habit. Never learn to eat better or drink more water or exercise or meditate (to relieve stress) or lose weight (yes, I am about 20 lbs overweight) or any of the other good habits out there.

OR I can do exactly what the doctor says and start to change those personal habits. I can learn to not only eat healthier, but also to eat slower and smaller bites and less food. I can learn to drink my 8 glasses of water each day. I can learn to stand, walk and move more than I sit and lay down. I can learn to be mindful and meditate. I can slowly start to lose weight and keep if off. I can develop good habits.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that the first choice will lead to a long life of doctor appointments, pain medications, and wearing something at night for sleep apnea. I know the first choice will lead to new problems and more problems.

I also know the second choice may not "heal" me completely, but it gives me the best chance of stopping other problems in their tracks or reducing other problems. I know that losing weight and having a healthy lifestyle will only lead to good things. I know this.

And knowing I am on a crossroads is scary. I've had that thought before. I ignored it...and sure enough, here I am with more pain...and more problems.

Before I go onto my next point, I want to say that dropping my nerve pain medicine (which the doctor recommended) did not help. I woke up in the middle of the night with shooting pain between the top of my head and my upper right jaw...like really intense tooth pain. The pain was still there when I woke up this morning.

So, here is the point: It doesn't matter that I ignored my last crossroads. It doesn't matter that I woke up with pain. It really doesn't matter because it has no effect on what I choose to do today.

The old me would have been devastated. The old me would have stubbornly moved on with dropping the medication. The old me would have jumped into change with both feet and guns blazing. The old me would have beat myself up for days and weeks (maybe even months and years).

I am not the old me.

I counseled with my husband and we both agree that I simply go back to taking the medication this week and try again next week Monday. My body obviously needs more time to heal.

I've decided to keep track of what happens when I drop the medicine. So I can tell the doctor at my next appointment.

I've also decided that the best way to go down the path of the second choice is to do it slowly. cautiously.

I've learned that it is far better to make one commitment AND keep that commitment than to make a ton of changes and burn out.

At the end of May, I committed to pray, read my scriptures and write in my journal every single day - even when we were on vacation. I did it. It is now a habit.

I then committed to brushing every morning and night the mouth guard that I have been wearing. Again, it has become a habit.

I am now working on fully following my mechanical soft diet - no more cheats!

This one is hard.

It is slowly getting easier.

I won't add in any other changes until I have that one down.

This is not a race. It isn't even a marathon.

This is my life. And my life extends way beyond this mortal world. My changes will extend into the eternities. I know this.

I know my current situation - the pain, the weight...all of it...is a bondage I put myself into. I know it will take hard work to get out of it. I know I will have to start over or make mistakes or fail or whatever, but I also know that as I keep moving forward doing all that I can do...well, God will bless me. He will choose the time when I am released from my bondage (in this life or the next). And that is okay. That is about trusting him. That is having faith.

Yep, I do my part and He does His. And sometimes, I will get those thoughts or promptings to let me know what to do or that I am on the right path. Yesterday's bittersweet doctor appointment was a wake up call. It was a reminder. It was an opportunity to recommit.

Pretty cool, huh?

Time to start anew...and be on my own

I love writing my blogs.

I have ignored my blogs for a really long time.

I tried off and on the last couple of years to "start over" or pick it back up. The guilt of not writing was huge. The thought that I have nothing to offer  -  even bigger.

I have learned a lot about myself this last year.

I have learned I prefer to live close to family.
I have learned I prefer to have my husband home the majority of the year.
I have learned I don't need much to find joy.
I have learned my children are pretty resilient.
I have learned my children want time with  me more than stuff.
I have learned we are stronger as a family when we are all living together. (Don't worry, Steve was just traveling for work.)

I have learned I shut down when I see others doing what I love. I write a blog and then see everyone else writing a blog...I slowly stop writing my blog. Why compete? Or worse...why write when I will never be as good as the blogs I see being written by my friends and family. This attitude is prevalent through so much of my life: cooking, baking, throwing a party, buying gifts, home schooling, cleaning, clothes shopping & finding what looks fab on me! Well, you get the point, I shut down.

I have learned that I do not yearn to be different or unique. I yearn to be the same as everyone else. However, I want to be the best. So...basically, I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else. And if you factor in the above "I have learned statement" than it is "I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else, but I will give up if I think someone else is better." Whew! That is just exhausting reading it!

I have learned that my body, mind and spirit are just happier when I walk. Heck, I may not lose a ton of weight, but I feel great! (Sadly, to learn this great truth I had to stop walking for so long that I now feel worse than worse.)

I have learned that I do not see my interests as "legit". I love to dance, but I don't...because dancing isn't "real" exercise. I love this book, "Pain Free" by Pete Egoscue. It is a great combination of yoga, Pilate's and other exercises that help relax your muscles and put your body back into alignment. Do I do it regularly? No, because it isn't "real" yoga. I could go on, but you get the picture and are no doubt shaking your head.

I have also learned that I love writing. I love writing about myself. There, I said it. I am a little bit selfish, vain and maybe a tad bit of a narcissistic. Maybe. I have journals and journals and journals full of my thoughts. Thoughts about my day, books that I have read, movies that I have watched. I have thoughts about talks from the LDS church that I have studied. I have thoughts about scriptural passages and ideas that I have studied. I love writing, I love analyzing, and I love applying the information to my life. If I am lucky, all that writing translates in to action in my real life.

I loved writing this blog, but so many times I felt like a phony...why would anyone listen to me. Who am I to be a voice of authority or even voice my opinion.

So...well...this time, I am going to write for me. I am going to treat this like my journals. Maybe one day I will open this blog back up to the public. But for now, for today, I need this to be about me. I am not writing to have a huge following. i am not writing to be a "mommy blogger" or any kind of blogger. I am not writing to one day have my blog turned into a book and then a major motion picture starring either Julia Roberts or Amy Adams. Nope. Not the reason. I am writing for me. So, I can learn and grow. So, I can improve myself. So, I can reap the benefits of hard work...and for no other reason.

This is good. This is real good.

See you tomorrow!