Time to start anew...and be on my own

I love writing my blogs.

I have ignored my blogs for a really long time.

I tried off and on the last couple of years to "start over" or pick it back up. The guilt of not writing was huge. The thought that I have nothing to offer  -  even bigger.

I have learned a lot about myself this last year.

I have learned I prefer to live close to family.
I have learned I prefer to have my husband home the majority of the year.
I have learned I don't need much to find joy.
I have learned my children are pretty resilient.
I have learned my children want time with  me more than stuff.
I have learned we are stronger as a family when we are all living together. (Don't worry, Steve was just traveling for work.)

I have learned I shut down when I see others doing what I love. I write a blog and then see everyone else writing a blog...I slowly stop writing my blog. Why compete? Or worse...why write when I will never be as good as the blogs I see being written by my friends and family. This attitude is prevalent through so much of my life: cooking, baking, throwing a party, buying gifts, home schooling, cleaning, clothes shopping & finding what looks fab on me! Well, you get the point, I shut down.

I have learned that I do not yearn to be different or unique. I yearn to be the same as everyone else. However, I want to be the best. So...basically, I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else. And if you factor in the above "I have learned statement" than it is "I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else, but I will give up if I think someone else is better." Whew! That is just exhausting reading it!

I have learned that my body, mind and spirit are just happier when I walk. Heck, I may not lose a ton of weight, but I feel great! (Sadly, to learn this great truth I had to stop walking for so long that I now feel worse than worse.)

I have learned that I do not see my interests as "legit". I love to dance, but I don't...because dancing isn't "real" exercise. I love this book, "Pain Free" by Pete Egoscue. It is a great combination of yoga, Pilate's and other exercises that help relax your muscles and put your body back into alignment. Do I do it regularly? No, because it isn't "real" yoga. I could go on, but you get the picture and are no doubt shaking your head.

I have also learned that I love writing. I love writing about myself. There, I said it. I am a little bit selfish, vain and maybe a tad bit of a narcissistic. Maybe. I have journals and journals and journals full of my thoughts. Thoughts about my day, books that I have read, movies that I have watched. I have thoughts about talks from the LDS church that I have studied. I have thoughts about scriptural passages and ideas that I have studied. I love writing, I love analyzing, and I love applying the information to my life. If I am lucky, all that writing translates in to action in my real life.

I loved writing this blog, but so many times I felt like a phony...why would anyone listen to me. Who am I to be a voice of authority or even voice my opinion.

So...well...this time, I am going to write for me. I am going to treat this like my journals. Maybe one day I will open this blog back up to the public. But for now, for today, I need this to be about me. I am not writing to have a huge following. i am not writing to be a "mommy blogger" or any kind of blogger. I am not writing to one day have my blog turned into a book and then a major motion picture starring either Julia Roberts or Amy Adams. Nope. Not the reason. I am writing for me. So, I can learn and grow. So, I can improve myself. So, I can reap the benefits of hard work...and for no other reason.

This is good. This is real good.

See you tomorrow!