Thanksgiving 2020

I really like to post on Thanksgiving.

Two years since my husband's heart attack.

2020 has been...different. 

The good: 

My husband is working full-time remote.

I (think) I have the problem of chronic pain in my upper right jaw finally solved.

I spend most of 2020 walking... and discovering podcasts.

I discovered that organizing is a calming and relaxing activity for me.

I started therapy.

I started healing relationships.

The bad:

Despite my best efforts, I have gained weight instead of losing weight

The COVID-19 pandemic 

The presidential election

The ugly:

I find myself knotted up with angst and wanting to pick a fight

I broke up with my best friend, the honorary aunt to my children

And here I am, on Thanksgiving day wondering if I should go back to blogging my journey of health. Wondering if I will be more dedicated this time than I was last time...or the last two or three times. Wondering if I can make a permanent change in myself as I write about it.

I don't like being the person who constantly snacks on junk food Or the person who doesn't seem to have any self-control to eat goodies. 

I don't like being the person who only half-heartedly exercises. 

I really don't like being the person who can't tell if her aches and pains are from aging or being overweight. For the first time in my life, I am having issues shaving under my arms. I keep breaking out in rashes. The rashes are different each time, but a theme of "when someone gains weight problems can arise in the folds of their skin". bleh. Were all my rashes because I have gained weight? Or were they caused by poor shaving techniques? Or caused by exercising more and not showering fast enough after I sweated? Or just a random, no reason behind it, kind of thing?

And as I write, I can feel myself getting grumpier. Grumpy for not having all the answers and being the example everyone wants to follow. (yes, I am that vain) Grumpy because my family wants/needs my attention and Thanksgiving dinner won't cook itself. Grumpy because I am cramping and my periods have changed and this one has lasted way too long. Grumpy because I just really want to pick a fight and my poor husband came into our room and asked me one question. It was all I could do not to gripe at him. He did nothing wrong. He simply came in and bothered me. Bothered me when I am writing this out and wanting to hide from the world. 

I have no idea where this blog will go or how often I will write. 

So, I will simply say... "Happy Thanksgiving!"