Post 228: Pay offs

Sometimes we don't get to choose....well, we can always choose to be happy or sad....we can always choose our attitude.

No, I am talking about those things that were kind of decided for us...my height was decided for me, so was my eye color...pretty much all of my physical attributes were chosen for me - some mixture of the genetic gene pool from my parents and voila - here I am. I know there is a lot science could do to change my physically - get a nose job, dye my hair...I could even add inches (but I here that is pretty painful). So, basically, I am stuck physically.

While I may not be able to change a lot about my physical appearance and while I choose not to change a lot about my physical appearance (really, I like my nose and my hair and my height), there are areas I can influence - my health, my muscles, my lungs, my heart, my brain (intellect), and even some of those trickier areas like compassion and kindness.

The problem with those areas is that they aren't flashy. Woopee - I have a healthy heart. Well, a healthy heart doesn't look any different than an unhealthy heart on the outside. I mean really, when you look at someone do you say to yourself "yep, that one has a bad heart, see I can tell by the slight bulge..." nope...doesn't work that way.

I think it is human nature to want to change and improve, but in a big and flashy way so everyone will ooh and ah over us. I mean, wouldn't you just love to hear, "wow, your heart looks fabulous today - you should keep that up!" Yeah, not gonna happen. Instead we hear "I love your haircut." or "love the outfit you have on (or shoes or purse or whatever). See, we as people focus on the outside and we want our efforts to be noticed.

I might hit the gym for hours on end and have the body of my dreams, but since I dress modestly, I am not going to here, "Wow, you have killer abs." I  am not going to be like the movie stars who wear dresses that have the sheer panels..."no, oops, I went commando so everyone can see how awesome my glutes look."

So, in some ways, I think making the tough but good choices becomes harder. I am not going to get instant results. I am not going to be showing off my killer body (I can dream right?). So where  is the pay off?

Right, right, right. The payoff is that I know. I know I am healthy. I know I have a killer body (see, still having the  dream here). I know why I walk everyday. I know why I strive to eat healthier, go to bed earlier, drink more water, etc... but darn it, sometimes, I want the immediate pay off. Sometimes, I want the comments. And sometimes, I want a work out buddy that will keep me going when I want to slack off.

Don't get me wrong. I love walking with my children. I do. We have a good time and there are so many pros, but...there are times, when I wish I could just work out with an adult who will push me and also give me that feed back I desire.

Ah well, I guess I need to right a best selling novel so I can afford a personal chef and trainer. :)  In the meantime, tomorrow is Monday and I am gearing up to hit it hard.

Happy Walking!

Day 227: 5 Gratitudes for Friday (even thouogh it is Saturday), 28

1. The children turning on music - we spent the afternoon singing, listening, dancing, and being silly. It was so much fun....and I love having my home filled with music.

2. Spending some time with my son playing a video game. He is really quite talented when it comes to video games and he loves being able to boss me/teach me/show me when it comes to something that I am not very good at.

3. The excitement I feel over school this fall. We have a great system for the summer. I will start with my new idea/curriculum after Labor Day (the normal time to start school, in my opinion). I am looking forward to teaching and learning. I am looking forward to reading. I am looking forward to spending a long winter with my children.

4. A great 4th of July weekend with my family. We played, we ate, we laughed, we talked, we watched a movie, watched the fireworks and just had a great time being together. I wish each and every weekend could be this relaxing and this fun!

5. I am also excited, but surprised that I am seriously researching what I want my journey to be next year. I know I am going to continue walking (or something other form of cardio) into next year, but I really want to focus on something else. I am seriously looking at strength training...mostly because it scares me to death (I don't want to end up bulky) and because I am NOT good at strength training (the few times I have done it, I have been unable to even use 1lb weights...pathetic). I also want to do strength training because so many experts say that it is the best way to lose weight and keep it off...

Day 226: I messed up big time...

Full confession: I forgot to walk yesterday.

I normally (as in 80% of the time) do not write until I have walked. This is achieved because I normally walk in the morning and post at night, but sometimes I walk at night or post then walk right afterwards (which is super dangerous).

Last night as we were getting ready to watch the fireworks (we can sit in our front yard & see the city's firework display), I realized I needed to type my blog so I wouldn't be up too late.

As I crawled into bed...it hit me - I never even walked! The children even asked if we could walk around the neighborhood, but I wanted a nap since I knew I was going to be up late....it didn't even dawn on then that I hadn't walked.

I guess I could have gotten up & walked, but it was close to midnight - not a good excuse, but the truth.

I thought about walking twice today or walking on Sunday to make up for yesterday's skip...I've decided not to. Why? Because I need a glaring mistake in my year of walking journey. I need a reminder that even a habit needs to be planned & worked on - can't let it slip (the whole endure to the end thing).

I didn't beat myself up. I am not beating myself up now - just being honest. I made a mistake. I should not have posted yesterday without walking. So, I have to own up to it now. That simple.

Walked today. Will walk tomorrow...and I have a feeling I will be able to make it through the rest of the year.

I am little disappointed in myself. I really wanted a 100% on this journey...but I guess not getting a 100% is part of the journey too.

Happy Walking!

Day 225: Happy 4th of July!

I just love the 4th - love the fireworks - love America - love reading the Declaration of Independence to the children. Just love the day. So thankful it is one of the few holidays that did not get moved to a  more "convenient" Monday observance. :)

Hope everyone had a great day!

Happy Walking!

Day 224: Excited!

I woke up this morning excited about school - it has been awhile. I feel like have already written about this, if I have, please forgive me.

Being excited about school is a huge indication that I am excited about life.

I am waking up early again to have "me" time. I am going out with friends (without children) again. I am striving to eat healthier....and now I am excited about school.

If I didn't know better, I would say that something has changed.

I wonder if it is a result of all the consistent walking I have been doing.

Or maybe from all the books I have been reading.

Whatever it is...it is such a great feeling!

Happy Walking!

Day 223: Walks in the neighborhood

I love walking. I love being outside. I love being with my children.

Today, as we walked through the neighborhood - taking turns deciding which direction to go - I realized that for me, this walking journey has changed...subtly.

I said from the beginning, that I took on this journey to see if my doctor was correct in his advice that all I needed to do was walk to lose the weight and stay healthy for life (the jury is still out on that one). I also stated that I didn't want to spend a lot of money or add more time away from my home & family - thus I chose to walk with my children. (I tell everyone it is their P.E.)

The subtle change in my journey is this: I no longer care if walking is all I need to lose the weight and keep it off. I no longer if walking is all I need for a healthy lifestyle. I no longer care if I lose weight. What I do care about is developing and maintaining a habit in myself and in my children.

Growing up, I considered P.E. something fun (grade school), something to endure (junior high & high school) and something to avoid (college). I hated P.E. I hated running, I hated basketball, I hated weight lifting...I hated it all - mostly because I am completely uncoordinated & non-athletic. I did have an awesome P.E. teacher in high school, and I think fondly of him (Mr. Winkfield). Perhaps it is because of him that I have throughout the years tried different ways to exercise.

I don't want my children to hate physical exercise. I also want it to be a part of their life - just like eating healthy, reading books, learning, attending church, and etc. They are not going to "magically" love & embrace physical exercise if they are never exposed to it...yep, all on me again!

Anyway, I like the change of perspective...and I really do enjoy walking with my children. We have a lot of fun.

Happy Walking!

Day 222: Musings

I woke up this morning at 7am...I guess that is a decent time to wake up, it is certainly the time I have dreamt of since having children.... You see, ever since having children, I quickly realized that my preferred method of letting the sunshine wake me up & then spending a leisurely morning over breakfast & news was not going to cut. Nope, not at all. Not when children needed to be fed and changed and loved and watched over and nurtured. Giving up my precious "slow morning me time" to a "way to early to get an hour of me time" seemed natural...and right. So, more years than I care to count, I have been getting up around 5 am (give or take 20 minutes) to get those precious "me times" so I could be the best mom possible.

Guess what? My children could care less if I am awake or asleep. All 3 are fully efficient at getting themselves up in the morning, getting their own breakfast, even doing their chores - all without the benefit of mom being around. Does that mean they don't need me? No, it just means the "needs me" has changed (but that is for a different discussion).

As I laid there in bed - fully rested & relaxed. I thought about my day & what needed to be accomplished - when this horrible, horrible thought hit me: I miss getting up earlier than everyone else. Sure, I still don't like 5am wake up calls (that just seems wrong -  why can't I wake up at 7am and everyone else get up at 8am????). I also realized, that deep down, I felt like the day was already wasted.

When I was getting up at 5ish every morning I got the following done: scripture study, exercise, bed made, personal hygiene, dressed, and then something I wanted all for me - maybe writing, maybe reading, maybe spending some alone time with Steve, maybe emails, maybe blogs....didn't matter, I got to do something that was all me.

With this schedule, by 9am I got the following done: laundry started, dishes done/kitchen cleaned, breakfast, children dressed/their beds made/their personal hygiene done/their chores done, 10 minutes of constitution (some form of exercise/physical play w/ children), some one-one time with each child (usually reading & tickles).

Which meant that at 9am, I was fully ready to tackle my day - be it cleaning, errands or school.

Now? I have a choice, either forgo some of "my time", forgo some time with children & Steve or push everything back...which means I am ready to start my day @ the time we eat lunch.

No wonder I have been so frustrated, down & depressed. I have been fighting myself without even realizing it.

I truly admire women who seem to be supremely organized and/or need less sleep and/or less "me time" and/or have found ways to make the compromises that I can't seem to make or even comprehend.

I am not beating myself up. Just realizing that I can't have it both ways. Neither is right or wrong. Neither is good or bad. Just two choices. Two preferences with 2 different outcomes/consequences. I have to choose...

Well, I have been choosing for almost 2 years now....and I haven't been happy nor have I been as productive as I have wanted to be....oh, don't get me wrong, I have been doing things and I have been making compromises to ensure our day starts earlier than lunch....I just haven't been happy. Maybe happy is the wrong term...I haven't been joyful? at peace? calm? satisfied? Whatever the term, I haven't been it.

Time to realize that I wake up early not because I have to - for a job, for Steve, for the children, but for me. I wake up early for me; because, deep down, I prefer the quiet of the house at 5am. I prefer taking my time getting ready. I prefer the "me time" more than I prefer the gentle wakings of the sun(and yes, I am already looking into an alarm clock that mimics the rising sun - any suggestions?).

It feels good to know what I truly prefer, deep down...now to start doing it!

Happy Walking!