Day 222: Musings

I woke up this morning at 7am...I guess that is a decent time to wake up, it is certainly the time I have dreamt of since having children.... You see, ever since having children, I quickly realized that my preferred method of letting the sunshine wake me up & then spending a leisurely morning over breakfast & news was not going to cut. Nope, not at all. Not when children needed to be fed and changed and loved and watched over and nurtured. Giving up my precious "slow morning me time" to a "way to early to get an hour of me time" seemed natural...and right. So, more years than I care to count, I have been getting up around 5 am (give or take 20 minutes) to get those precious "me times" so I could be the best mom possible.

Guess what? My children could care less if I am awake or asleep. All 3 are fully efficient at getting themselves up in the morning, getting their own breakfast, even doing their chores - all without the benefit of mom being around. Does that mean they don't need me? No, it just means the "needs me" has changed (but that is for a different discussion).

As I laid there in bed - fully rested & relaxed. I thought about my day & what needed to be accomplished - when this horrible, horrible thought hit me: I miss getting up earlier than everyone else. Sure, I still don't like 5am wake up calls (that just seems wrong -  why can't I wake up at 7am and everyone else get up at 8am????). I also realized, that deep down, I felt like the day was already wasted.

When I was getting up at 5ish every morning I got the following done: scripture study, exercise, bed made, personal hygiene, dressed, and then something I wanted all for me - maybe writing, maybe reading, maybe spending some alone time with Steve, maybe emails, maybe blogs....didn't matter, I got to do something that was all me.

With this schedule, by 9am I got the following done: laundry started, dishes done/kitchen cleaned, breakfast, children dressed/their beds made/their personal hygiene done/their chores done, 10 minutes of constitution (some form of exercise/physical play w/ children), some one-one time with each child (usually reading & tickles).

Which meant that at 9am, I was fully ready to tackle my day - be it cleaning, errands or school.

Now? I have a choice, either forgo some of "my time", forgo some time with children & Steve or push everything back...which means I am ready to start my day @ the time we eat lunch.

No wonder I have been so frustrated, down & depressed. I have been fighting myself without even realizing it.

I truly admire women who seem to be supremely organized and/or need less sleep and/or less "me time" and/or have found ways to make the compromises that I can't seem to make or even comprehend.

I am not beating myself up. Just realizing that I can't have it both ways. Neither is right or wrong. Neither is good or bad. Just two choices. Two preferences with 2 different outcomes/consequences. I have to choose...

Well, I have been choosing for almost 2 years now....and I haven't been happy nor have I been as productive as I have wanted to be....oh, don't get me wrong, I have been doing things and I have been making compromises to ensure our day starts earlier than lunch....I just haven't been happy. Maybe happy is the wrong term...I haven't been joyful? at peace? calm? satisfied? Whatever the term, I haven't been it.

Time to realize that I wake up early not because I have to - for a job, for Steve, for the children, but for me. I wake up early for me; because, deep down, I prefer the quiet of the house at 5am. I prefer taking my time getting ready. I prefer the "me time" more than I prefer the gentle wakings of the sun(and yes, I am already looking into an alarm clock that mimics the rising sun - any suggestions?).

It feels good to know what I truly prefer, deep down...now to start doing it!

Happy Walking!