The Year of...well, Me!

Happy New Year! 

Okay, so I am a month late. 

Here is the thing - we can actually decide whenever we want to start something new or improve on something or learn something new. We don't need a new year to prompt us into making changes.

I am declaring 2019 "The Year of Alisa". 

Sure, this theme might not work for all the people who are not named Alisa. I apologize to all of you. If, however, you are an Alisa than "Woohoo! This is your year!" Hahaha

All you Alisas out there - please take the time this year to focus on you. 

Focus on renewing your relationships with God, Jesus, your family and your friends. 

Focus on renewing your faith. 

Focus on renewing your health - even if all you do is walk more steps than you did the day before. 

Focus on renewing your joy and letting go of shame. 

Focus on renewing your service to others and recognize that service can be as simple as a smile (or making muffins for breakfast). 

Focus on your oxygen mask (see Mom's Night Out) and don't feel guilty because you chose to take the time to shower, shave and wash your hair. 

And finally, hug your family. every. single. day.

Good bye, 2018 - may I never live through you again.

Intentions vs Needs

My intention was to write every week.
My intention was to tell you more about my husband's heart attack.
My intention was to tell you how I was feeling and coping.

What is the old saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Or something like that.

Okay, maybe that was a bit overly dramatic; however, you get the point....I had a lot of intentions.

Instead, I focused on healing. I focused on my family. I focused on relaxing. I focused on not worrying about a darn thing.

It is like I hibernated safely in my home, surrounded by my husband and children. We didn't let anyone else in.

It felt good.

And what is even better is that I feel like I am at a better spot.

I feel ready to tell my story.

Happy Post Thanksgiving To Me

Sunday, Dec. 2, 2018

When I wrote a little over a week ago, my plan was to write every week (at a minimum). I really wanted to write about all the different books I am studying and the insights I am gaining. I even wanted to write about the struggles and triumphs of trying to put those books into practice.
And then...Thanksgiving night happened.
Thanksgiving night my husband woke me up with pain in his chest and running down his left arm.
I ran him to the emergency room. He finally came home yesterday.
The first two days in the hospital was test after test after test...for a doctor to finally say the words "heart attack". Apparently, heart doctors do not like to use that phrase!
His third day was transferring from one hospital to another hospital - a bigger hospital that does bypass surgery.
His fourth day was the surgery...a quadruple bypass surgery. The surgeon doesn't actually know how many bypasses until they start the surgery. I have no idea how I feel about that. This particular surgeon did not use the lung/heart bypass machine (I think that is what it is called). He instead did something called the beat method (again, I think that is what is is called). Basically, my husband's  heart continued to beat (on its own) the entire time during the operation. This is suppose to reduce the complications.
Seeing my husband right after surgery was sobering. And unnerving. And just a tiny bit scary. I am just glad we chose to not let our three children see him until he was out of the ICU.
Days five and six were spent in the ICU. A very sad place. Quiet, subdued...just a feeling of sadness and uncertainty. The nurses there are one part compassion and a whole lot of parts of tough as nails. They know what the patient must do to recover as quickly as possible - and they don't really care if you don't like it. My husband was up and walking around on day five. He had so many tubes coming out of him it looked a little like he is a one-man parade when he was walking.
To leave the ICU, my husbands oxygen levels had to be to a certain level and the tube that was draining fluids and blood from his chest had to be removed...which is to say the chest needed to be done draining.
Day seven and eight were spent in a normal hospital room. By the end of day eight, all tubes and attachments were gone except one. This one, however, was a monitor that fit into the pocket of his gown and had wires attached to plastic squares splattered all over his chest and belly. This was kind of nice because it gave my husband a lot more movability. That is not to say my husband was the most patient person during this process. He does not like to sit around doing nothing. He does not like hovering. He does not like being poked and prodded. He does not like hospitals. It was a pretty miserable experience for him...and the surgery was just adding insult to injury.
Day nine was leaving the hospital. Yay!!!! It took forever to get discharged. Again, patience was not one of my husband's virtues. (The fun of that day should be its own post - lets just say that my husband had to get nasty and tell the nurse he was going to discharge himself since the doctors couldn't be bothered to come by and sign off on his discharge...we didn't leave the hospital until almost 3pm).
The fun didn't end there...but I will leave that for another post.
I will just end with this: after spending a week driving back and forth from the hospital - balancing my time and energy between my husband and my children - I know what is important in my life. It isn't FB. It isn't this blog...or even my idea of blogging every week. It isn't how my house is decorated. It isn't what I wear. It isn't husband's job. It is simply love.
I have always said love is all that matters....now I know it is all that matters. Seeing the scar running down my husband's chest, him unresponsive to my touch and only knowing he was alive because the machines hooked up to him beeped with "life"...hit me harder than anything else I have ever been through.
I never want a day to go by that my husband and my children don't know they are the most important thing to me in my life. I have no idea how to do that. I don't know what I am going to have to change in my life, what behaviors will need to change...but change they will. One day at a time.

Thanksgiving = A New Year

In 2012 I started this blog. My first first post was the day before Thanksgiving. It explained why I chose Thanksgiving to be my "new year". I had some pretty lofty ideas. I had to smile at my 2012 self because...she was right. I do tend to struggle with the same thing over and over and over again. Who knows, maybe everyone does?
So, today, Thanksgiving Day - Nov. 22, 2018...six years later, I find myself coming out of a depression, wanting to improve myself - my whole self and wanting to share my journey with others.
The journey last time focused on walking. This time, I am focusing on more of a spiritual journey.
I have a slew of issues and a slew of books.
And a deep desire to finally heal my past and to finally know that it is okay to let God love me.
Here is to a new year...and a new journey!

Opportunity to Recommit

I have been on an incredible journey - still on it in fact - this year.

I honestly do not know if I would have had the courage or the opportunity to take this journey if we had not moved.

I've been reading a wide range of books: self-help, historical fiction, classics, memoirs (war & someone else's life!), manga, a little romance, up-lifting, etc.

I've even started books and for whatever reason have decided not to finish them.

I've started reading the scriptures again. I pray, read & write. Something I learned when we lived in Tennessee and I was a young mother.

I focused solely on my children's education and church. It has been liberating! So much time to get everything done when I focus on the truly important things in my life.

I have also been dealing with pain.

Spent 2 months with a constant headache (I don't recommend doing that). It got so bad that my head was tender to the touch - even my hair follicles hurt!

Then, a wonderful doctor realized I was having problems with my TMJ (the jaw joint). For the past two months, I have been on a mechanical soft food diet (a limited food diet that keep my jaw chewing to a minimum of 3 chews per bite) and 4 different drugs that stopped the pain, reduced the inflammation and relaxed my muscles.

Yesterday, a couple of things happened.

1 - I learned I also have a mild form of sleep apnea. The doctor does not want to address that problem until the jaw is healed. When we do address the sleep apnea, I will more than likely wear either a mask at night to help get oxygen into me or a mouth device that pulls my jaw forward to give my tongue more room so I can get enough oxygen at night.

2 - I was told by my doctor I could start dropping some of the pain medication since I am doing so well.

Pretty exciting, huh?

Actually, it was a bittersweet day.

Who wants to be told they are healing enough in one area to only learn there is another area that must be worked on...okay, maybe I am just being a baby and a bit whiny.

I do know the goal is to be healthy. To be the best me. To live my life to the fullest and, if possible, live pain free.

Here is the thing: I have a choice. Starting today, I have a choice. This choice is going to affect me for the rest of my life.

I can do exactly what the doctor says without changing one personal habit. Never learn to eat better or drink more water or exercise or meditate (to relieve stress) or lose weight (yes, I am about 20 lbs overweight) or any of the other good habits out there.

OR I can do exactly what the doctor says and start to change those personal habits. I can learn to not only eat healthier, but also to eat slower and smaller bites and less food. I can learn to drink my 8 glasses of water each day. I can learn to stand, walk and move more than I sit and lay down. I can learn to be mindful and meditate. I can slowly start to lose weight and keep if off. I can develop good habits.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that the first choice will lead to a long life of doctor appointments, pain medications, and wearing something at night for sleep apnea. I know the first choice will lead to new problems and more problems.

I also know the second choice may not "heal" me completely, but it gives me the best chance of stopping other problems in their tracks or reducing other problems. I know that losing weight and having a healthy lifestyle will only lead to good things. I know this.

And knowing I am on a crossroads is scary. I've had that thought before. I ignored it...and sure enough, here I am with more pain...and more problems.

Before I go onto my next point, I want to say that dropping my nerve pain medicine (which the doctor recommended) did not help. I woke up in the middle of the night with shooting pain between the top of my head and my upper right jaw...like really intense tooth pain. The pain was still there when I woke up this morning.

So, here is the point: It doesn't matter that I ignored my last crossroads. It doesn't matter that I woke up with pain. It really doesn't matter because it has no effect on what I choose to do today.

The old me would have been devastated. The old me would have stubbornly moved on with dropping the medication. The old me would have jumped into change with both feet and guns blazing. The old me would have beat myself up for days and weeks (maybe even months and years).

I am not the old me.

I counseled with my husband and we both agree that I simply go back to taking the medication this week and try again next week Monday. My body obviously needs more time to heal.

I've decided to keep track of what happens when I drop the medicine. So I can tell the doctor at my next appointment.

I've also decided that the best way to go down the path of the second choice is to do it slowly. cautiously.

I've learned that it is far better to make one commitment AND keep that commitment than to make a ton of changes and burn out.

At the end of May, I committed to pray, read my scriptures and write in my journal every single day - even when we were on vacation. I did it. It is now a habit.

I then committed to brushing every morning and night the mouth guard that I have been wearing. Again, it has become a habit.

I am now working on fully following my mechanical soft diet - no more cheats!

This one is hard.

It is slowly getting easier.

I won't add in any other changes until I have that one down.

This is not a race. It isn't even a marathon.

This is my life. And my life extends way beyond this mortal world. My changes will extend into the eternities. I know this.

I know my current situation - the pain, the weight...all of it...is a bondage I put myself into. I know it will take hard work to get out of it. I know I will have to start over or make mistakes or fail or whatever, but I also know that as I keep moving forward doing all that I can do...well, God will bless me. He will choose the time when I am released from my bondage (in this life or the next). And that is okay. That is about trusting him. That is having faith.

Yep, I do my part and He does His. And sometimes, I will get those thoughts or promptings to let me know what to do or that I am on the right path. Yesterday's bittersweet doctor appointment was a wake up call. It was a reminder. It was an opportunity to recommit.

Pretty cool, huh?

Time to start anew...and be on my own

I love writing my blogs.

I have ignored my blogs for a really long time.

I tried off and on the last couple of years to "start over" or pick it back up. The guilt of not writing was huge. The thought that I have nothing to offer  -  even bigger.

I have learned a lot about myself this last year.

I have learned I prefer to live close to family.
I have learned I prefer to have my husband home the majority of the year.
I have learned I don't need much to find joy.
I have learned my children are pretty resilient.
I have learned my children want time with  me more than stuff.
I have learned we are stronger as a family when we are all living together. (Don't worry, Steve was just traveling for work.)

I have learned I shut down when I see others doing what I love. I write a blog and then see everyone else writing a blog...I slowly stop writing my blog. Why compete? Or worse...why write when I will never be as good as the blogs I see being written by my friends and family. This attitude is prevalent through so much of my life: cooking, baking, throwing a party, buying gifts, home schooling, cleaning, clothes shopping & finding what looks fab on me! Well, you get the point, I shut down.

I have learned that I do not yearn to be different or unique. I yearn to be the same as everyone else. However, I want to be the best. So...basically, I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else. And if you factor in the above "I have learned statement" than it is "I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else, but I will give up if I think someone else is better." Whew! That is just exhausting reading it!

I have learned that my body, mind and spirit are just happier when I walk. Heck, I may not lose a ton of weight, but I feel great! (Sadly, to learn this great truth I had to stop walking for so long that I now feel worse than worse.)

I have learned that I do not see my interests as "legit". I love to dance, but I don't...because dancing isn't "real" exercise. I love this book, "Pain Free" by Pete Egoscue. It is a great combination of yoga, Pilate's and other exercises that help relax your muscles and put your body back into alignment. Do I do it regularly? No, because it isn't "real" yoga. I could go on, but you get the picture and are no doubt shaking your head.

I have also learned that I love writing. I love writing about myself. There, I said it. I am a little bit selfish, vain and maybe a tad bit of a narcissistic. Maybe. I have journals and journals and journals full of my thoughts. Thoughts about my day, books that I have read, movies that I have watched. I have thoughts about talks from the LDS church that I have studied. I have thoughts about scriptural passages and ideas that I have studied. I love writing, I love analyzing, and I love applying the information to my life. If I am lucky, all that writing translates in to action in my real life.

I loved writing this blog, but so many times I felt like a phony...why would anyone listen to me. Who am I to be a voice of authority or even voice my opinion.

So...well...this time, I am going to write for me. I am going to treat this like my journals. Maybe one day I will open this blog back up to the public. But for now, for today, I need this to be about me. I am not writing to have a huge following. i am not writing to be a "mommy blogger" or any kind of blogger. I am not writing to one day have my blog turned into a book and then a major motion picture starring either Julia Roberts or Amy Adams. Nope. Not the reason. I am writing for me. So, I can learn and grow. So, I can improve myself. So, I can reap the benefits of hard work...and for no other reason.

This is good. This is real good.

See you tomorrow!

Year 3, Day 80: A silly new idea...

I really like this time of year because there are so many articles about losing weight, getting in shape, etc. I think with having so many articles available it really shows that what is most important is being consistent than any one thing.

This article from Prevention is a great example of my point.

52 ways to lose a pound a week...some of the ideas seemed similar, but for the most part there are 52 different ways to change your thinking, change your eating, change your work out and reward yourself.

In all the examples (ideas from real people), the person lost weight and then kept it off by being consistent. My favorite examples are from people who lost weight umpteen number of years ago and still have the weight off - now that is consistency!

I thought it would be fun to try out some of these ideas (one idea a week and write about it). I am also pretty sure I have my own ideas and my own way of implementing these ideas. And finally, I am not going to try these ideas out in any certain order...just want to have fun. :)

So, without further ado, this week's idea is....

(Talk Yourself Thin) 40. Carry a pen.

The woman in this idea wrote about her stress instead of feeding it. She feels that journaling has become her no-cal stress buster.

I decided to try this one first because I already know how much I love to write; however, I have never thought of writing as a stress buster. I usually wait to do my journaling at the end of the day - when I am about to go to bed. I write in my blogs when I have the time and/or when I have something interesting to say...but I do not write to beat stress. I no longer write creatively (which I miss) and I no longer write down what I am studying (although I am helping my oldest daughter with her spiritual studies).

I know I am stressed. I know I am frustrated a lot by the end of the day...but I do not have a good way of dealing with it. I waste time on the computer. I waste time watching movies. I waste time playing games on my phone. I waste time instead of dealing with the stress.

A lot of my stress comes from things that I have no control - like children having their own minds and opinions about their life! Or being in town all day to run errands (which isn't necessarily stressful, but is very draining). Or having to deal with other people's personalities within a homeschool group or a church group or whatever group I am dealing with at the moment. And lets be honest, sometimes I am dealing with the stress within my own home - the clutter, the mess, the husband who currently is not working (but helping a ton with home school), etc.

Life is stressful. I think it is important to find a way to deal with it. I love the idea of writing out my stress...be it here on my blog, in my journal or even  random note on my phone.

Happy Journey!