Day 5 & 6, 2024: Grief and depression messes with everything

 I have long suspected that at my core I am a depressed person.

I am highly functional, especially when needed, like when I was a mom to young children.

Left to my own devices and my own schedule... and I am either incredibly lazy or depressed.

I am seeing a therapist. 

So that's good.

But I worry because I struggle to do things that I once did easily. 

I struggle to shower daily. To floss my teeth nightly. To wash my face nightly. To read. To keep the kitchen clean. To write. 

I love writing. I love journaling. I love studying a subject and writing down what I learned and how it connects to other things I learned. I write so much that I have a box full of journals over the years. I even kept a journal for each one of my kids. I would write about their day but would pretend it was them writing it. I loved doing that.

I have three blogs (though not consistently kept up) and write too long posts on my personal Facebook page and my business one.

I have Instagram. I don't think I ever posted there. I normally don't take a lot of pictures.

Secretly, I hope that by writing on this blog about my goals, my struggles, and my attempts at radical acceptance I will start doing the things I love to do so much.

And yet, underneath it all, I am sad. Incredibly sad.

My dad died in 2021. My aunt (who was like a second mother to me) died in 2023. The sweetest little girl I worked with for two years died in 2024.

Too much death.

And I haven't really grieved any of it. 

Cried? sure.

Grieved? not sure.

I'm looking for a grief counselor. And that feels like cheating on my regular therapist - who is great! But I just need a little something more. Need a little something else to point or push me in the direction of real healing.

Because to be perfectly honest. I think this inability to properly grieve started long before my dad died. It might have started in 2018 when my grandmother died and a month later my husband had a heart attack. 

Or when I had postpartum depression after each child was born. And I chose to grit my teeth and get through it somehow.

Doesn't matter when it started. 

What matters is learning how to grieve and then truly grieve. Letting go of the pain and hurt. Feeling it even though I don't want to.

I hope your journey is a happy and healthy one.

Day 3 & 4, 2024: The new normal?

 Well, radical acceptance came sooner than I expected.

My husband surprised me with a quick trip out of town. As much as I love writing...I love getting away even more!

And how often I write is how often I write.

That counts as radical acceptance - right?

Short post today - hopefully, more tomorrow!

Enjoy the journey you are on!

Day 2... or Day 1 2024

 Huh. 

Not a great start.

Yesterday was supposed to be my first post. 

It didn't happen in case you were wondering.

Now I am stressing out if I count today as Day 1 since it is my first post. Or is it Day 2 since yesterday was supposed to be Day 1 of my new "a year of..." journey.

Do I need to explain to everyone why it didn't happen? Do I just make a post and pretend this is what I intended all along?

I have anxiety about the weirdest things.

A big part of me is a people pleaser. Another big part of me is a perfectionist. And wrapped up in that are insecurities, fears, and deep-down feeling that I am never good enough or legitimate.

For a few days before I decided to start this blog back up, I researched "Radical Acceptance." I read an article on  Psychology Today.

Here is the note I made for myself:

Acceptance steps - Have a problem?

1 - If you can solve it - do that!

2 - If you can't solve it - see if you can change your perception.

3 - If you can't solve it or change your perception then radical acceptance.

*Takes practice*

So part of my journey this year is practicing radical acceptance. The other part is to keep moving forward with the goals I set for myself.

Radical acceptance means I can't go back and change Day 1 to yesterday. I can't change what anyone thinks when they read this post. I can post today.

Thanks for being on this journey with me!

And I would love to hear about yours.

A new year...

 When I started this blog many years ago, it was to test my doctor's advice that walking every day was the only exercise I would ever need.

The year of walking proved him right.

Still, I struggled to continue to walk every day. 

I struggled to tackle my next idea for a "year of..." - weight lifting.

I have struggled with weight, stress, death, children growing up, becoming middle age, my own health, and the joys of perimenopause.

Enough health problems over the past few years made me realize it was time to take a "healthy lifestyle" a bit more seriously.

So, here I am. 

Starting up my blog again and knowing I will be writing about more than just walking. Mostly because I love to write and see how the different things in my head actually connect.

Do my sleep hygiene habits truly affect my eating habits? Does drinking more water help me eat less or help me eat healthier? How do I find myself now that no one seems to need me the same way they did for the last 20-some-odd years? Can I accept the new me? the new body? the gray hair? the wrinkles? Or will I always be fighting to be 20-something or 30-something?

Finally, if you are here and reading this, thank you for reading about my journey! 

And I would love to know about yours.

Tomorrow will be "Day 1"

"You're Going the Wrong Way!"

 Jan. 12, 2021 - Going the Wrong Way

Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" starring Steve Martin and John Candy? There is a scene where John Candy's character is driving a car at night. The car spins around, a lot, and Candy mistakenly gets on the highway driving against on-coming traffic. Since it is late at night and out in the middle of nowhere, he doesn't realize his mistake. A couple in a car driving on the correct side of the highway sees him and attempts to tell him. They keep yelling "You're going the wrong way!" Steve Martin and John Candy's characters don't listen to them and almost die driving between two semi's.

That is how I felt yesterday morning when I weighed myself.

I weighed: 159 pounds

My weight went up instead of down.

I even got warnings I was going the wrong way. The MyFitnessPal app is very polite when it tells me every night that "if every day was like today then you will weigh X lbs in 6 weeks". The X almost every night has been higher or close to my current weight.

Did I think the app was lying? Did I think it was drunk? Did I think I knew better?

No, just in denial. 

And it is frustrating.

This is my pattern. Work really hard, stop working hard because of illness, holidays, vacations, then start the whole darn process over again.

I really want to beat myself up. 

I really want to give up. Being healthy feels like an elusive dream.

I really, desperately, want to break this pattern.

How do I maintain good health habits when life happens? Because I know life always happens. 

Okay, enough moaning and crying! Today is a new day and a new opportunity to do better.

And hopefully next week, I won't be going the wrong way.

Here is to a happy, healthful year!

Happy New Year!

 Friday, January 1, 2021 - Happy New Year!

I did not write as much as I wanted to between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day; however, I learned a lot!

Highlights:

1 - Walking destresses me. There was one day I finally got a 30-minute walk in (this was after several weeks of not being able to walk) and I could feel the stress just rolling off of me. Emotions I hadn't realized were bottled up came pouring out and I finished my walk crying...a therapeutic and much-needed cry.

2 - I love tracking my food. I see it as a challenge/competition to eat what I want and stay within the 1200 calories MyFitnessPal app has recommended for me. Yet, I can not track my exercise/movement on the same app. Why? Because the app is kind enough to let me know how many calories I have burned - it even does a little math formula so I know exactly how many calories I have left to eat. And... I use that formula to consistently eat more than 1200 calories. Very irritating.

3 - I finally admitted to myself that I eat meat because everyone around me does. I don't think I want to eat vegetarian full-time. I do want to eat vegetarian 95% of the time, although I would settle for 80% of the time. 

I am also changing my goal for my weight a tad. I heard once that when we set a goal most of us only reach half of it. For example, if you want to save $100.00 every month, then most people would only save $50.00. The suggestion was made to double your goal and if you only reach half, then you met the goal you really wanted. Example: I want to save $100.00 every month. I set the goal to save $200.00 every month. The actual is I saved $100.00 each month.

With that in mind...I am going for broke this year. 

My goal: To lose 60 pounds in 2021.

Gosh, I am excited and nervous!

Be your best self every day!

Other Ways to Check If I am Healthy

 12-2-2020 Other Ways to Check If I am Healthy

Okay, I get it, my weight is just one way to figure out if I am healthy or not...and not even the best/most accurate way to do so. 

We all know people who are on the thin side that have health problems. Just as we all know people who are on the heavy side that get a clean bill of health from their doctors every year. I really think it is different for each person.

For me, I know my weight is a problem. 

I may love my age, love my body, and not be ashamed of my weight; however, I hate feeling sluggish all the time. I also hate the gastrointestinal problems I have had for a while now (read: chronic constipation and gas build up). I also hate how tight my muscles feel, especially in my jaw. I hate how hard it is to bend over and tie my shoes or give myself a pedicure. And honestly, I do not like how I look in photos (more on that later).

I do know that my waist measurement is another way to tell if I am healthy. I recently read an article in Insider that discussed nine biomarkers besides weight to help you determine how healthy you are overall. You can read it here.

Following the article's list, I still have a health problem.

1 - Waist measurement: as shown in my last post, my waist circumference is a little high and therefore I am at risk for certain diseases.

2 - Glasses of water: The article says that each person is different for the amount they need to drink. My doctor told me I need to drink 4 liters of water a day. I barely get 1 liter of water in. This is one of those yo-yo areas. If I put a lot of time and energy into tracking and drinking, then yeah, I can do 4 liters of water a day. Unfortunately, the slightest thing can throw me off track. 

3 - Blood pressure: The article recommends getting checked regularly by your doctor. I check my blood pressure every morning. A habit I got into after my husband's heart attack and surgery. Since he needs to check his every day, I check mine as well and then keep track of our numbers on a chart. My blood pressure is all over the place. I have had a lot of dental problems this past year and I think the pain involved is affecting my numbers. It is disheartening to see those high numbers.

4 - Vegetables are eaten: Oops, another one I struggle with. I do a much better job of getting enough fruits eaten, not so much with vegetables. I love salads. Unfortunately because of my dental problems I can't eat salads. I try to have some kind of vegetable soup every day and I want to make more green smoothies...and yet, I struggle. This is part of my emotional eating. It is also a weird hang-up I have about trying new foods or a new way of eating when other people are around. And the whole family is around every day thanks to Covid-19 and the shutdown. I need to work on this one.

5 - Cholesterol levels: Again, the article suggests getting checked regularly. I know my dad has struggled with high cholesterol levels for years and he now has Diabetes. I assume the two are linked. The last time I had my cholesterol levels checked they were high. I can't remember the last time I was checked. I know I need to eat more whole grains and less sugar. I also know I need to ask to be checked at my next physical.

6 - Blood sugar levels: Again, the article suggests getting checked regularly. All be honest, except for the nasty sugar test I was forced to do with each of my pregnancies, I don't think I have ever had this test. I will add this to the list of things to have checked when I go in for my next physical.

7 - Time spent moving: The article suggests 30 minutes a day. It also says to move throughout the day. I actually do pretty good at this one and really hate it when I can't get my walk in. I walk every day for 30 minutes because I enjoy it. I love walking with people. I prefer walking outside. I enjoy hiking. I don't mind the elliptical or treadmill. What I want to get better at is doing exercises for strength, flexibility, and balance. I really struggle to make those a part of my day. My secret hope is to sprinkle movement throughout the day and have it total around 90 minutes by the time I go to bed.

8 - Alcoholic drinks consumed: I don't drink alcohol so I didn't even read this section.

9 - Hours spent sleeping: The article suggests between seven to nine hours of sleep a night. I happen to know I have always needed more sleep than most people so the goal...the dream...is to get nine hours of sleep every night. Oh, I can be in bed for nine hours...I am just not always able to sleep. My brain has a hard time turning off at night (I will discuss this in another post). My husband or children will forget I have gone to bed and wake me up...or legit have a problem and need me. My husband likes to be on his computer before going to bed...and the computer is in our room because he works from home. I am a super light sleeper and will almost always wake up when he turns on his computer. 

And yes, all of this sounds like excuses. Except, I know that when we were first married I was able to sleep throughout the night without waking up. And yes, we had a computer in our room back then. I woke up briefly when he turned on his computer and then fell right back to sleep. Now? I fully wake up. I also wake up randomly throughout the night dreaming I am choking on something. Or I wake up because I think I heard the doorbell or someone knocking on the door....and my bedroom is on the second floor. Basically, I know the quality of sleep sucks. I really want it to be better.

Bottom line? I have some work to do. Of the nine items, I know five of them are bad and need to be improved. I am pretty sure 2 of them are bad but will get hard numbers at my next physical. 1 item is pretty good, but I want to improve it. And the last number is great because I don't drink alcohol.

I guess what I am saying is that I know I am unhealthy regardless of what the scale says or what chart is used to determine my "healthy" range.

What about you? How do you tell if you are healthy or not?