Year 2: Day 306: Who Am I?

To continue my tale of self discovery...I am who I am and I am okay with it.

So who am I?

I am a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a daughter-in-law, a friend, a listener, a cheerleader, a teacher, a care giver, a nurturer, a best friend....the list can go on, but I am first and fore most a child of God.

I like being a child of God.

I like knowing that whatever I am going through, God is there to help me out. And I need a lot of help.

But along with all those titles and jobs and roles....I am me. A person who secretly wants to be noticed, acknowledged, seen as someone important. It doesn't matter if it is holding a leadership position at church or writing a best selling novel.

I just want to be noticed. I, hate to admit this out loud, wan the accolades of the world. I do.

When I started my blogs so many years ago I had visions of being the best blogger out there with thousands of followers.

I have, maybe 8 between my two blogs. Maybe?

And yet, it hasn't stopped me from blogging....but I had it working out so differently in my head.

I have started several books and even sent one out for publishing (and got rejected), but what did I first see in my head? Yes, being a world renowned writer with a ton of fans.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best. There is nothing wrong with becoming the best. But you don't become the best because you imagine it in your head. You become the best because you work the hard. You work hard and become the best. It is that simple.

And along the way of working hard comes sacrifice. Also people might look at you like your a bit odd because you are putting all this time into something that no one else seems to do....like Kung Fu, beading, dancing, writing....

And that is where the other side of me comes in. Sadly, I want to be the best. I want to be noticed for my brilliance, but I don't necessarily want to put in the hard work or sacrifice and I really don't want anyone to see me as odd.

Honest. I don't want to be odd. I don't want to be different. I want to be like everyone else.

So....I want to be the best, I don't want to work hard at being the best and I want to be like everyone else.

Yeah, not sure how that works. Right, it doesn't. It doesn't work.

What it does do is make you look like an idiot for going from thing to thing to thing. What it does do is make you dream your life away. What it does do is make it hard for you to embrace what you love and what is important to you.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a doormat. I am not a fad follower. I am not unthinking. But what I am is a very, very, very good chameleon. I can blend and change to fit in to most groups and in most settings. Which, in the long term is great. I make friends and slowly overtime they see the other sides of me.

What it doesn't do for me is help me to stand out and be noticed or recognize.

The other drawback is sometimes I take myself out of the picture.

For example, I took Japanese in high school and college. My brother (who has an amazing ear for music and languages) decided to learn Japanese as well - so we could speak it together. Instead of seeing a very cool opportunity, all I saw was my brother learning Japanese faster and better than I ever did. So I quit.

I quit things a lot. I also pick things back up again. I'm kind of weird that way.

My daughter says I am a paradox.

Maybe I am.

But I hope I am the best paradox out there and I hope someone notices and praises me for it....especially if everyone else is a paradox too.

Happy Walking!

Year 2: Day 305: Bitterness

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions.

It all started with my very own mom's night out. (For those who don't know, I LOVE Mom's Night Out and think every woman should watch this movie.)

There were 3 of us, all moms and we all just needed a night off.

One friend hosted at her house (because she is just weeks away from having her 3rd child and we didn't blame for not wanting to go anywhere at night).

We ate, we laughed, we solved the world's problems (hey, world! Call us! We got the answers!) and we even debated.

Towards the end, the discussion turned to the church (two of us are LDS). I don't even remember how we got on the topic, but all of sudden I heard myself talking with such bitterness in my voice. I remember desperately wanting to shut up or change the subject, but all I could do was talk bitterly.

Now, I love the LDS faith. I raised in the church and while I did check out other options in my twenties, I ultimately decided the LDS faith was where I wanted to be. I searched for truth and I found it.

I have never been one of those women who feel the church puts down women or treats us unfairly. I have never had a bad experience with anyone (male or female) in leadership positions. I might not agree with every single bishop and Relief Society president I have met, but I have never had a bad experience - one that made me feel inferior or unloved or incapable. Never.

So why the bitterness?

That's just it....I didn't know. I didn't even know I was bitter until I started talking that night!

I pondered on the way home and could only conclude that I was angry at God. Why God? Well, because I saw the many, many times I heeded his answers and I felt that He had put me in a place I didn't want to be and wasn't allowing me to move to where I wanted to be.

Not a physical place, but a spiritual place.

I prayed about marrying Steve and got the strongest yes I have ever received in my life.

Steve has stated many times to me, as he did before we got engaged, that he would more than likely never join the church, but wanted to raise our children in the church.

I was okay with that statement.

I also didn't know what I was getting into....but knowing what I know now, I don't think I would change my decision one bit.

You see, I was okay with that statement because I thought God was going to change Steve's heart or, you know, make Steve change his heart.

Um, yeah, God doesn't work that way. He has never worked that way. I know He doesn't work that way. I know He has never worked that way.

But yeah, for some reason, I thought I was the exception to the rule. Somewhere deep down, where I didn't even admit it to myself, I thought I was the exception to the rule.

And the last few years has shown me that I am not the exception to the rule. Not in any way shape or form.

The last few years has shown me that Steve truly has (and always has had) free agency when it comes to joining the LDS church...just like he has in helping me raise the children in the LDS faith.

Yeah. Steve has been 100% faithful in all that he told me so many years ago - he probably won't join the church, but he will raise the children in the church.

That is what Steve has done. No lies. No backstabbing. No bait and switch. Nothing but faithfulness and loyalty to what he said originally.

That is a good thing. I am so happy about it. Really, I am. I just didn't know I was also bitter about it.

And God? Well, God didn't lie either or forsake me or leave me hanging out to dry. As we have kept God's commandments, we have been blessed. Funny how that works. It isn't like the LDS faith has a corner on blessings, because we don't. It is pretty universal across the whole earth. In fact, I would have to say it is universal across the whole earth and all of time. God hasn't changed.....and He doesn't change....and He never will. You know, God is eternal like that.

So, I have been blessed over the years. I am happy about that.

The bitterness? Yeah, that is because I wanted God to be someone He is not and I wanted my husband to be someone he is not.

Man, I can be so complicated sometimes.

So, cool, right? I know why I am bitter and who I am bitter at and now I just have to get over it.

Well, it didn't matter what I read or how I prayed I was not getting over this bitter feeling. I was still bitter, but my bitterness at God and Steve didn't seem to be there anymore.

After a week of this....well, bitter nonsense, I started acting cranky. Arguing to argue.

I spent a whole day at the park with friends and all I could do was argue (debate sounds so much nicer, but honestly, I was cranky). By the end of the day, I was miserable.

Steve, ever the patient husband, willingly listened while I tried to explain why I was mad at him and God.

When, to my surprise, I found myself telling Steve why I was mad at myself.

Yep, even farther down, without realizing it, I was angry at myself.

Angry at myself for a lifetime of giving up. Angry at myself for a lifetime of trying to be like everyone else. Angry at myself for not being happy with blessings I have been given. Angry at myself for trying to control and change everyone around me to fit into the image of "sameness" that I have in my head.

Trust me, it was an exhausting, emotional revelation.

But once it was out on the table, I felt like a huge weight had lifted.

I am who I am.

And I am good enough.

Happy Walking!

Year 2: Day 304: Check Your Spiritual Health

It has been so long since my last post and I have so much to say.

I'm not even sure I can get it all out...explain it all.

When I started this blog almost two years ago it was with one simple goal - to record my thoughts while walking and to track my weight (and other stats).

Over the course of that first year, I found myself writing about more than just walking and weight. I quickly discovered that so much (if not all) of my life was interconnected.

Being more physically active (just walking 30 minutes a day) helped my depression lift, I started eating and sleeping better, I laughed more....basically I was improving in ways I could not have foreseen or predicted.

This second year has been so much harder.

The move across country, pinching my sciatic nerve, Steve traveling more for his job and the children becoming more involved in extra-curricular activities (like Drama).

My health suffered.

Walking became almost impossible. I stopped sleeping well, my eating habits when down the tubes, I stopped caring about so many things....and unknown to me, my spiritual side was hurting as well.

I still don't understand how the many different sides are tied together. How the physical, spiritual, and emotional health affect one another, but I know they do.

As I strived to get physically healthy (heck, I still wake up in the morning bent and crooked), I ignored the spiritual and emotional health....I didn't think I needed to worry about those areas.

I was wrong.

100% wrong.

Now, before my mother (and others) have a heart attack thinking something awful has happened, let me assure it has not.

This post is merely an attempt to give some background and some advice.

This post is a gentle reminder to myself and maybe to others that as we strive for physical health we have to include those other areas. They all work together.

I think in tomorrow's post I will go into more details about what happened this week and how it has helped me....maybe even changed me?

Happy Walking!