Year 2: Day 306: Who Am I?

To continue my tale of self discovery...I am who I am and I am okay with it.

So who am I?

I am a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a daughter-in-law, a friend, a listener, a cheerleader, a teacher, a care giver, a nurturer, a best friend....the list can go on, but I am first and fore most a child of God.

I like being a child of God.

I like knowing that whatever I am going through, God is there to help me out. And I need a lot of help.

But along with all those titles and jobs and roles....I am me. A person who secretly wants to be noticed, acknowledged, seen as someone important. It doesn't matter if it is holding a leadership position at church or writing a best selling novel.

I just want to be noticed. I, hate to admit this out loud, wan the accolades of the world. I do.

When I started my blogs so many years ago I had visions of being the best blogger out there with thousands of followers.

I have, maybe 8 between my two blogs. Maybe?

And yet, it hasn't stopped me from blogging....but I had it working out so differently in my head.

I have started several books and even sent one out for publishing (and got rejected), but what did I first see in my head? Yes, being a world renowned writer with a ton of fans.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best. There is nothing wrong with becoming the best. But you don't become the best because you imagine it in your head. You become the best because you work the hard. You work hard and become the best. It is that simple.

And along the way of working hard comes sacrifice. Also people might look at you like your a bit odd because you are putting all this time into something that no one else seems to do....like Kung Fu, beading, dancing, writing....

And that is where the other side of me comes in. Sadly, I want to be the best. I want to be noticed for my brilliance, but I don't necessarily want to put in the hard work or sacrifice and I really don't want anyone to see me as odd.

Honest. I don't want to be odd. I don't want to be different. I want to be like everyone else.

So....I want to be the best, I don't want to work hard at being the best and I want to be like everyone else.

Yeah, not sure how that works. Right, it doesn't. It doesn't work.

What it does do is make you look like an idiot for going from thing to thing to thing. What it does do is make you dream your life away. What it does do is make it hard for you to embrace what you love and what is important to you.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a doormat. I am not a fad follower. I am not unthinking. But what I am is a very, very, very good chameleon. I can blend and change to fit in to most groups and in most settings. Which, in the long term is great. I make friends and slowly overtime they see the other sides of me.

What it doesn't do for me is help me to stand out and be noticed or recognize.

The other drawback is sometimes I take myself out of the picture.

For example, I took Japanese in high school and college. My brother (who has an amazing ear for music and languages) decided to learn Japanese as well - so we could speak it together. Instead of seeing a very cool opportunity, all I saw was my brother learning Japanese faster and better than I ever did. So I quit.

I quit things a lot. I also pick things back up again. I'm kind of weird that way.

My daughter says I am a paradox.

Maybe I am.

But I hope I am the best paradox out there and I hope someone notices and praises me for it....especially if everyone else is a paradox too.

Happy Walking!