Year 2: Day 305: Bitterness

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions.

It all started with my very own mom's night out. (For those who don't know, I LOVE Mom's Night Out and think every woman should watch this movie.)

There were 3 of us, all moms and we all just needed a night off.

One friend hosted at her house (because she is just weeks away from having her 3rd child and we didn't blame for not wanting to go anywhere at night).

We ate, we laughed, we solved the world's problems (hey, world! Call us! We got the answers!) and we even debated.

Towards the end, the discussion turned to the church (two of us are LDS). I don't even remember how we got on the topic, but all of sudden I heard myself talking with such bitterness in my voice. I remember desperately wanting to shut up or change the subject, but all I could do was talk bitterly.

Now, I love the LDS faith. I raised in the church and while I did check out other options in my twenties, I ultimately decided the LDS faith was where I wanted to be. I searched for truth and I found it.

I have never been one of those women who feel the church puts down women or treats us unfairly. I have never had a bad experience with anyone (male or female) in leadership positions. I might not agree with every single bishop and Relief Society president I have met, but I have never had a bad experience - one that made me feel inferior or unloved or incapable. Never.

So why the bitterness?

That's just it....I didn't know. I didn't even know I was bitter until I started talking that night!

I pondered on the way home and could only conclude that I was angry at God. Why God? Well, because I saw the many, many times I heeded his answers and I felt that He had put me in a place I didn't want to be and wasn't allowing me to move to where I wanted to be.

Not a physical place, but a spiritual place.

I prayed about marrying Steve and got the strongest yes I have ever received in my life.

Steve has stated many times to me, as he did before we got engaged, that he would more than likely never join the church, but wanted to raise our children in the church.

I was okay with that statement.

I also didn't know what I was getting into....but knowing what I know now, I don't think I would change my decision one bit.

You see, I was okay with that statement because I thought God was going to change Steve's heart or, you know, make Steve change his heart.

Um, yeah, God doesn't work that way. He has never worked that way. I know He doesn't work that way. I know He has never worked that way.

But yeah, for some reason, I thought I was the exception to the rule. Somewhere deep down, where I didn't even admit it to myself, I thought I was the exception to the rule.

And the last few years has shown me that I am not the exception to the rule. Not in any way shape or form.

The last few years has shown me that Steve truly has (and always has had) free agency when it comes to joining the LDS church...just like he has in helping me raise the children in the LDS faith.

Yeah. Steve has been 100% faithful in all that he told me so many years ago - he probably won't join the church, but he will raise the children in the church.

That is what Steve has done. No lies. No backstabbing. No bait and switch. Nothing but faithfulness and loyalty to what he said originally.

That is a good thing. I am so happy about it. Really, I am. I just didn't know I was also bitter about it.

And God? Well, God didn't lie either or forsake me or leave me hanging out to dry. As we have kept God's commandments, we have been blessed. Funny how that works. It isn't like the LDS faith has a corner on blessings, because we don't. It is pretty universal across the whole earth. In fact, I would have to say it is universal across the whole earth and all of time. God hasn't changed.....and He doesn't change....and He never will. You know, God is eternal like that.

So, I have been blessed over the years. I am happy about that.

The bitterness? Yeah, that is because I wanted God to be someone He is not and I wanted my husband to be someone he is not.

Man, I can be so complicated sometimes.

So, cool, right? I know why I am bitter and who I am bitter at and now I just have to get over it.

Well, it didn't matter what I read or how I prayed I was not getting over this bitter feeling. I was still bitter, but my bitterness at God and Steve didn't seem to be there anymore.

After a week of this....well, bitter nonsense, I started acting cranky. Arguing to argue.

I spent a whole day at the park with friends and all I could do was argue (debate sounds so much nicer, but honestly, I was cranky). By the end of the day, I was miserable.

Steve, ever the patient husband, willingly listened while I tried to explain why I was mad at him and God.

When, to my surprise, I found myself telling Steve why I was mad at myself.

Yep, even farther down, without realizing it, I was angry at myself.

Angry at myself for a lifetime of giving up. Angry at myself for a lifetime of trying to be like everyone else. Angry at myself for not being happy with blessings I have been given. Angry at myself for trying to control and change everyone around me to fit into the image of "sameness" that I have in my head.

Trust me, it was an exhausting, emotional revelation.

But once it was out on the table, I felt like a huge weight had lifted.

I am who I am.

And I am good enough.

Happy Walking!