Year 3: Day 32: New Year's Week

Sorry haven't written much but with the holidays, family visiting, us traveling to visit friends...well, blogging was low on the list.

It has been a wonderful holiday week and I know I am going to enjoy New Year's Eve as well...but why is it every year I feel an overwhelming compulsion to make resolutions????

Resolutions rarely hold. I set a goal, work on it for a week or two and then it slowly fades away. I recently read somewhere that week 3 is the hardest week for people attempting to stick with a goal like exercising more or eating better. I find that fascinating...why week 3? Don't have an answer on that one...oh, well.

What I do have is a lot of musings in my head.

I know that simply setting a goal is not enough to motivate me.

I know that setting a goal and putting a reward (carrot) at the end is not enough to motivate me.

I know that setting a goal, having a reward and having a way to mark off the accomplishment (like writing this blog or simply putting a check box on a chart) is not enough to motivate me, but it does keep me going once the motivation wears off.

If you throw in a competition - some kind of point system than that is sometimes enough to motivate me, but it helps a ton to keep me going (even past that elusive 3 week hump).

I've decided that each person is probably motivated different (duh, we are all unique!) and each of us have our preferred way to keep ourselves on track (again, duh!).

The trick is knowing what works for you.

Some people like carrots. Ex: If I lose a certain amount of weight than I will treat myself to a new outfit.

Some people like the buddy system where everyone is encouraging each other - which is why online sites are so popular because lets face it, not everyone has a circle of friends & family that will be a cheerleader.

Neither one of those work for me.

I know, weird, right? In fact, I have not found a carrot shiny enough to get me to do what I know I should do when I don't want to do it.

Also, when I start to reach a weight goal and am looking good (yeah, I'm a little vain...so sue me), if someone is kind enough to compliment me on it....well, I stop working toward the goal. It is like my brain hears the compliment and thinks, "Oh, I'm done. I got the notice. Okay, back to eating junk food!"

I have thought about the times in my life where I was able to keep a goal a long term....even to the point of completing a goal (like finishing college or walking for a year).

I have to be stubborn about the goal and feel like I am showing someone I can do it even when they think I can't do it.

Dated a guy in high school that flipped out I wanted to go to college. He became a real pain. Even went to far by telling me I couldn't go to college & he would stop me. Um, yeah. Dumped the guy, but also basically said, "Hell, no. I'm not giving that up for you or for anyone else." So, put myself through college (with mom & dad helping) and got my bachelors degree.

Another time I was working a job as a reporter. My particular job title was a rotating type job - meaning there were a ton of people who started & quit. Now, almost twenty years later I realize the real problem was the Editor and other management staff for not doing a better job of training/mentoring the new reporters, but at the time....well, I was determined that the other reporters would not run me out the door until I was good & ready to leave. I stuck it out for an entire year. Pretty proud of myself for being the kind of reporter I wanted to be and I left on my own terms....not theirs.

Even walking for a year started out as a way for me to prove my doctor wrong. In this case, he was more right than me, but the point is I started the goal & kept at it to prove something.

I've concluded that I do far better with negative motivation.

I hear all the time, you can never have the body you had before children. Okay....but I see and know people who are in great shape after having children. Why can't I be that person?

I hear all the time that because I am chesty (and I am rather large in that area) that I can never be slim. Why???? I was slim in my 20s and had a chest then? Why should it be different know that I am in my 40s?

Basically, I realized this past week that I really want to prove people wrong about me and my body.

One, I am tired of people making comments about my body like that is an okay thing to do. It has been happening since puberty and I am, quite frankly, tired of it.

Two, I am tired of people making general statements and applying them to me without finding out the facts about my life, my body, my health, my history first.

Third, I am tired of people projecting their own insecurities, their own fears, their own problems, shortcomings and downfalls on to me. I am my own person.

I jokingly asked my husband to not compliment me anymore and to occasionally give me some negative motivation. He politely declined. Okay, not surprised that he decline. So, instead, I am writing out everything that has ever been said to me and posting them on my closet mirror (I have the sliding kind, so my list will be the back mirror that stays hidden for the most part). Whenever I feel complacent, lazy or that I have "made it" and can quite trying, I am going to read my list.

It might not be ideal, but I am hopeful it will work....work long enough to get me past week 3 and month 3 and well into another year.

Happy Journey!

Year 3: Day 24: Christmas Week

What is it about the week of Christmas that is so dang hard???

Don't you miss being a kid where every day before Christmas was full of longing and anticipation for that glorious moment you were allowed to open your presents????

The two best days out of the entire year for a child is Christmas and their Birthday. Seriously. The. Best. Days. Ever.

Now, I'm an adult, a mom of three and...Christmas is a great day, but it so dang stressful leading up to the day. And sometimes stress during the day and after the day... Yeah, Christmas is just not the same.

To add to the stress of the Christmas spirit is the two very different messages floating around out there.

Message one: Christmas time = gifts, parties, and lots and lots of food and goodies. What better way to share the Christmas spirit than with a plate of sugar cookies, a tub of fudge or a tin of chocolate?

Message two: Christmas time = intense pressure to look your very best (which for most of society means skinny). I'm sorry, I can't enjoy the entire month of the Christmas season if I have to constantly worry about what is going into my mouth, what I might look like in my sweater (ugly or not) and if the scale will be "kind" the day after.

And really, what are we telling our children, especially our girls, when we are constantly flip flopping between these two messages?

This is probably the one area where I am a bit of Scrooge. We do not make a ton of holiday treats, if any. I do not attend cookie exchanges. I do not give goodies to friends and relatives. I just don't.

Now, if I am invited to a party or given a plate of goodies, I eat them. I sure with the family. We eat a little every day to make one plate last a good week, but I don't go crazy over trying to stay any certain size. Life is life. You know what I mean?

Share smiles. Share cards. Share season's greetings. And if baking is your thing, then by all means bake and share those goodies.

Just don't make me feel like a Scrooge for not baking and don't make me feel ashamed for eating the cookie that was brought to me. Life is way to short to add the stress of food to the Christmas holiday (I got enough stress ensuring each of my children feel loved & special throughout the month, but especially on Christmas morning as the gifts are being opened).

Thankfully, Christmas is just a few days away and the stress will magically disappear. Ah. Looking forward to it.

Happy Journey!

Year 3: Day 19: Stopped Cold in my Tracks

The children have been passing around a cold for sometime now....I finally got hit.

I hate getting sick.

I know healthy foods, healthy liquids is the way to go when sick, but all I really want is hot chocolate, Top Ramen and grilled cheese sandwiches....all are warm and just glide down my very sore throat.

Hope your day is going better!

Happy Journey!

Year 3: Day 15: The Water Question

I love water. This love; however, was not always there. Growing up I drank milk, chocolate milk, strawberry  milk when my mom would let me, apple juice and orange juice...and the occasional soda (always a HUGE treat growing up).

I fell in love with water when I was in college because...well, because I had to. I had no money. Water was free and I needed every dime for food.

I do not like my water flavored by fruit or veggies. No cucumber, lime, lemon, strawberry slices for me. None. I can drink my water with ice cubes or with out. I can drink it cold, room temperature and sometimes I can even drink it warm or slightly hot (gotta be really thirsty though).

The only time I don't like water is when I am sick. Especially when I have a cold. Ugh, water tastes so gross when I have a cold. Then I want something with a strong taste - I usually go for orange juice or hot chocolate, but sometimes I will drink soda.

Since 95% of my life is now spent drinking water, I have (smugly) felt that I was pretty healthy. I mean drinking water is on like every advice list on how to improve your health. So, I'm good, right? Um, yeah, nope, not at all, not even close.

For the last two weeks I have been a participating in a clean eating challenge. The first week, the focus was on eating 5 or 6 small meals and making sure every meal was as clean as possible. (Read clean to mean as whole & unprocessed as possible).

It was a hard week for me. Breakfast, snack and lunch I can eat pretty clean, but dinner through me every single time. When I couldn't figure out how to make something more "clean", than I just ate a smaller portion with more veggies. Pretty good compromise. I really liked how I felt at the end of that first week.

The second week, the focus was on drinking a gallon of water a day. I did not drink a gallon of water a day, I was shy by 8 oz (2 cups) each day, but I still drank a ton of water! And I love water!

I'm sure everyone else in the challenge did a great job of eating clean AND drinking water, but for some reason I didn't. At first, I felt really guilty, but now I am glad for the mistake. Why? Because I got to experience for myself in a short amount of time the difference between eating healthy with some water and eating not so healthy and drinking a ton of water. Want to guess which week won? Which week where I felt my best?

Yup, you guessed it! The first week. With all that water I drank in the second week, I was forced to eat smaller meals, but the meals were not healthy and I felt (feel) like crap.

Huge wake up call to me that eating healthy trumps everything - trumps sleep, trumps drinking water, trumps exercise. Now, I know I have to do all of those things together, but if I am having a rough day and can only put my time & energy into one, then it needs to be my food. Clean, healthy, unprocessed food.

Happy Journey!

Year 3: Day 14: 5 Gratitudes for Friday, 55

1. The crud that hit me so hard yesterday that I slept 4 1/2 hours in the middle of the day....seems to be gone. I woke up this morning ready to take on the world...or at least the kitchen.  I even managed to cook dinner tonight. So thankful for my health.

2. My sister-in-law, Mandy, inviting me to join a clean eating challenge. Eating healthy is one area that I really struggle with and I have learned so much the past couple of weeks. The challenge was full of lots of wonderful people who shared their struggles, their triumphs and their favorite clean eating recipe. I feel out-classed - clean eating to me means adding a salad to my lunch. However, I am learning that it is adding that salad and then swapping your white rice for brown rice and other small changes until how you eat is completely different that when you started.

3. A wake up call. I don't mean to still the title from The Rock's new reality TV show, but yeah, I got a wake up call. Along with that  clean eating challenge, I was invited to learn about being a Beachbody coach. I've chosen not to become one, but in the process of learning about being a coach, I was challenged to list all of my roles (small sample: homeschooler, wife, mother, teacher, daughter...) and then choose 6 roles that I would focus on. Six. That is it. Six roles that I would work at and become amazing. Now the six roles will change over time (which is okay), but for right now my 6 roles have everything to do with being my children's teacher, mentor, health coach and mother.

4. My husband. I am so grateful for him. I am so thankful that he works hard everyday so I may stay home to teach our children. I am thankful that he supports me in all of my endeavors and love me even when I am being goofy.

5. My children. I love each of my children. They are amazing! I miss them being little, but I am finding that I am enjoying the ages and stages they are at more and more each day.

Happy Journey!

Year 3: Day 12: What does that number really mean?

Last night as I was going to sleep I began to think about the number on the scale. You know that horrible number that never seems to budge or move down...but magically will jump up several numbers at a time? That number we all seem to obsess about because somehow the number on the scale represents how healthy we are?

Well, I hate that number. I've always hated that number. In fact, the number just drives me nuts. And here is why:

When we were little (or when our children were little), every time we visited the doctor for a check up or an illness, the very first thing the nurse does is take weight and height. Weight and height every single time...even if you saw the doctor the day before.

Now children are blissfully unaware what all these numbers mean, but parents know the numbers are put into a chart to see if the child is growing properly. (My frustration with that is not appropriate for this post!)

If you do not fall into the nice average than perhaps you heard your whole life (like I did): underweight and under height. Some may hear overweight and over height....or any combination. Does this mean the child is unhealthy? Does this mean the child is not growing? Does this mean something needs to change drastically?

Um, no.

What it means is that the child does not fit the average (last I checked, to get an average you must have highs & lows, but I digress...).

So, let's pretend for a moment you heard your whole life you do not fit the average. Than you hit a magical age (usually around 18) and the numbers no longer matter. That's right, they don't matter. Now, the nurse still takes your weight (rarely does height get checked once you are an adult), but the doctor no longer plugs into a growth chart. Yep, doesn't matter....unless you fall into an extreme. Extreme thin or Extreme weight. Everyone else is pretty much ignored.

Now, if you heard growing up "you are underweight, you need to eat!" than trust me when I say it takes a long time for you to figure out that the weight number going up might not be such a great thing....

I hate telling people how much I weigh because so many people do not get this concept: weight on a tall person looks different on a short person.

I weigh 145lbs. I hear all the time, oh, that is really good. Great! Is that really good for a short person (I'm only 5'1"), an average person (5'7") or a tall person (6')????

Seriously, it will look different on each person. It will also look different if you are small boned, medium boned or large boned. I am small boned.

It also looks different on your shape - are you curvy? are you top heavy? are you bottom heavy? are you straight? 145lbs on a tall, shapely woman is going to look a heck of a lot different than 145lbs on a short, shapely woman. One will look svelte...the other will look fat.

Yes, I used the f word. fat. But fat is subjective, just like the number on the scale and the number on your  clothes. What is not subjective is your height. Your height is never going to change. Even when you wear 6 inch heels....your still the same old height.

Your weight, sure it isn't subjective....but how we look at it is. That is badly worded, but basically, weight is subjective.

Why? Because so many of us are trying to get to some magical number that some chart, some calculator, some doctor, etc. said we need to get to.

I'm 5'1" - height/weight ratio says I can be as low as 110lbs....last time I was that weight was college and some people thought I was anorexic. Nope, not anorexic, just very, very, very skinny.

If you look at BMI I should be some where in the 120's....both systems say 145lbs is overweight for someone of my height.

Fine. Whatever.

But does the 110lbs, the 125lbs, the 134lbs or the 145lbs reflect my health? my happiness? my longevity? Nope, not at all.

In some ways, I am healthier at 145lbs than I was at 110lbs. Why? Because I am actually eating healthy where I did not when I was in high school and college.

Since baby number 3 was born, I have wanted to shed the baby weight and be back down to a very healthy 125 lbs. It is the weight I was at when I got married before I had any children. It is a nice number, but being that number doesn't automatically equate health.

Which brings me back to my title: what does that number really mean?

The arbitrary number: 125 lbs
Meaning: A wonderful reminder of a time in my life when I was extremely happy - newly married, a new mom, etc.

The arbitrary number: 145 lbs
Meaning: A reminder of struggles with depression (including post partum depression), moving away from friends (too many times to count), struggles with money and even struggles as a wife and mother.

Neither of those numbers mean health or unhealthy to me. Those numbers are 100% EMOTIONAL!

I've decided if the numbers of my weight really meant nothing than as an adult they mean nothing as well.

I've decided that instead of weighing myself constantly and stressing over an arbitrary number...I 'm going to focus on my emotions. Do I feel happy? Do I feel up? Do I feel good about myself?

I'll also focus on eating clean/healthy and moving my body....but that goes without saying.

Happy Journey!

Year 3: Day 11: A late start on the new year

Happy New Year!

Depending on a number of factors I am either extremely yearly or just a tad late....

I started this blog three years ago, the day after Thanksgiving, and I feel I did a great job of chronicling my journey the first year....not so much the second year. I am truly hoping this year will be different.

Why didn't I post very much?

I would like to say it is because I was super busy. I have been busier this year, but I could have made time to write. I should have made time to write.

The real reason I didn't post much is because I felt embarrassed by my lack of walking and strength training. That was the goal last year and I fell flat on my face.

You see, I don't like to show my failures. I much rather fail in private and succeed in public. Maybe others are like me? It would be nice to know I am not alone in this particular idiosyncrasy.

Regardless, I have been working on my health this past year....even when I had to quit walking for awhile because my left foot was bothering me. Instead of exercise, I made changes to my diet. Why didn't I write about that? See the above reason....I felt like a failure.

I am currently taking a 3 week clean eating challenge. The challenge has been interesting, but from that challenge I was invited to a "become a coach" Facebook page where current coaches recruit others to become coaches! I'm pretty sure it is going to turn out like all other "work from home" companies where I either need to see stuff or recruit people to make money. I am not interested in that, but I am going to finish out the week to gain knowledge. That's right, knowledge. The first day of this group, one of the current coaches posted a video of why she is a Beachbody coach (I think that is the name of the company). In her video she said people like to see your struggles, they like to watch your progress, your failures and your successes.

Yep, it hit me like a ton of bricks....I'm suppose to share the ups & downs, the success & failures, the frustrations....all of it. It is as much for me as for anyone who happens to read this blog.

I never expected to become a mommyblogger with hundreds of readers. I just hoped that my writing about my journey would help me. Sounds selfish doesn't it. Well, the best writers always said they wrote for themselves, not for a commercial audience. I figure blogging is the same way. I am writing for myself and I am happy to invite others to come along.

So, to the few readers I have out there, I apologize for not letting you in on my failures, roadblocks, set backs and frustrations.

Here is to a new year and lots of sharing!

Happy Journey!

(yep, changed my ending...my year of walking has developed into a whole new realm)