Day 9, 10, 11, & 12, 2024: Oops! thank goodness today is July 1st!

 Good Morning!

I didn't realize I went that many days without writing.

I wrote a ton in my head. 

Do you ever do that? Write and create in your head but simply don't write it down?

I do it all the time.

But that is me. And I am accepting it.

Today is a new day... a new dawn... aren't those the words in a Michae Buble song?

I have spent three days running errands, cleaning, and doing laundry. The errands and laundry happened even on my most depressed days. But cleaning...? yeah, it went the wayside.

There is satisfaction in working so hard that your feet ache at the end of the day. Walking up to muscles sore and (more importantly) a clean house.

In some ways it is more satisfying cleaning a bathtub when you can see the soap scum than when you are cleaning it for maintenance - in other words, you clean it so it always looks clean.

Is that weird?

I would rather ignore my house for a month and then slave for three days to see the satisfaction of dirt and grime coming off sinks, mirrors, counters, the shower, etc.

It is weird. And a little stupid. Okay, not stupid. Trying to change how I talk about myself. How about... a little counterproductive? counter-intuitive? makes things harder?

Certainly goes against what I have tried to teach my children: do a task that takes 5 minutes so you don't have to spend an hour doing the same thing.

I should listen to myself more. Hah!

Now it is Monday morning. The beginning of a new week and a new month. How do I keep from falling back into bad habits? how do I keep from giving in to the grief and depression that always seems to be under the surface? How do I keep myself productive? How do I not procrastinate?

These have been the questions for most of my life.

It was a lot easier when I was a kid and my mom decided when things had to be done. And if the chores didn't get done, then I didn't get to see my friends. Seeing my friends was a huge motivation.

It was also easier when I raised my children because I knew it was important for them to have consistency in their life and they needed to learn the importance of work.

Now it is just me.

Well, my children live at home as young adults. They have their chores. I no longer tell them when to do the chores or how to do them. That is up to them. In some ways, they are more consistent than I am.

No, it is just me for cleaning my bedroom and bathroom. Never thought that would be a hard task. (I do need to mention that my husband will jump in and help when he isn't working. But I am the one that spearheads the cleaning. Probably because it bothers me sooner than it does him? I don't know. Doesn't matter. No one complains at my house. I could continue to explain this, but everyone will think about my husband what they want, and how we divide the work of the home. I need to accept that).

This is getting long. The next time I write I will talk about how I love charts and organizing strategies and how it usually helps me stay on track.

Hope you are enjoying the journey!

Day 7 & 8, 2024: Showers and goals

 In one of my first posts, I mentioned working on my goals while practicing radical acceptance. 

This is a good thing. 

It just becomes so much harder when you throw in grief, depression, and a lifetime of putting yourself down - without realizing it.

One of my goals is to be more consistent with my personal hygiene. 

No, I am not walking around stinky...at least I don't think I stink.

I usually go three days between washing my hair. I always shower when I wash my hair. I shower if I have worked out. If I stayed all day in my pj's then a shower usually didn't happen.

But here is the thing. I used to love showering.

Showering was less about cleanliness and more about pampering.

I used a Japanese Washcloth (a type of loofah) daily because I loved how it made my skin feel.

After a relaxing shower, I used a dab of mineral oil (baby oil) to moisturize my skin before putting on my lotion.

I had a set routine for my face.

Shaving was used to inspect my legs and underarms. And this led to quick self-breast exams.

I even gave myself a quick manicure and pedicure every week.

Showering was the anchor for all of that.

Now?

Not so much.

I don't dread taking a shower. I just don't get the same pleasure from it. 

My shower no longer anchors the rest of my beauty routine.

And the only reason I can think of is.. depression.

I am happy to say that I have showered every day this week and have used lotion after each shower. It is progress. 

But will I ever find the pleasure again?

I don't know.

Until then I have a chart. I mark off what I have done and on what day.

What was once easy is now hard and tracking will make it easy again one day. Maybe?

All of my goals are like that.

Thank you for joining me on my journey!

Day 5 & 6, 2024: Grief and depression messes with everything

 I have long suspected that at my core I am a depressed person.

I am highly functional, especially when needed, like when I was a mom to young children.

Left to my own devices and my own schedule... and I am either incredibly lazy or depressed.

I am seeing a therapist. 

So that's good.

But I worry because I struggle to do things that I once did easily. 

I struggle to shower daily. To floss my teeth nightly. To wash my face nightly. To read. To keep the kitchen clean. To write. 

I love writing. I love journaling. I love studying a subject and writing down what I learned and how it connects to other things I learned. I write so much that I have a box full of journals over the years. I even kept a journal for each one of my kids. I would write about their day but would pretend it was them writing it. I loved doing that.

I have three blogs (though not consistently kept up) and write too long posts on my personal Facebook page and my business one.

I have Instagram. I don't think I ever posted there. I normally don't take a lot of pictures.

Secretly, I hope that by writing on this blog about my goals, my struggles, and my attempts at radical acceptance I will start doing the things I love to do so much.

And yet, underneath it all, I am sad. Incredibly sad.

My dad died in 2021. My aunt (who was like a second mother to me) died in 2023. The sweetest little girl I worked with for two years died in 2024.

Too much death.

And I haven't really grieved any of it. 

Cried? sure.

Grieved? not sure.

I'm looking for a grief counselor. And that feels like cheating on my regular therapist - who is great! But I just need a little something more. Need a little something else to point or push me in the direction of real healing.

Because to be perfectly honest. I think this inability to properly grieve started long before my dad died. It might have started in 2018 when my grandmother died and a month later my husband had a heart attack. 

Or when I had postpartum depression after each child was born. And I chose to grit my teeth and get through it somehow.

Doesn't matter when it started. 

What matters is learning how to grieve and then truly grieve. Letting go of the pain and hurt. Feeling it even though I don't want to.

I hope your journey is a happy and healthy one.

Day 3 & 4, 2024: The new normal?

 Well, radical acceptance came sooner than I expected.

My husband surprised me with a quick trip out of town. As much as I love writing...I love getting away even more!

And how often I write is how often I write.

That counts as radical acceptance - right?

Short post today - hopefully, more tomorrow!

Enjoy the journey you are on!

Day 2... or Day 1 2024

 Huh. 

Not a great start.

Yesterday was supposed to be my first post. 

It didn't happen in case you were wondering.

Now I am stressing out if I count today as Day 1 since it is my first post. Or is it Day 2 since yesterday was supposed to be Day 1 of my new "a year of..." journey.

Do I need to explain to everyone why it didn't happen? Do I just make a post and pretend this is what I intended all along?

I have anxiety about the weirdest things.

A big part of me is a people pleaser. Another big part of me is a perfectionist. And wrapped up in that are insecurities, fears, and deep-down feeling that I am never good enough or legitimate.

For a few days before I decided to start this blog back up, I researched "Radical Acceptance." I read an article on  Psychology Today.

Here is the note I made for myself:

Acceptance steps - Have a problem?

1 - If you can solve it - do that!

2 - If you can't solve it - see if you can change your perception.

3 - If you can't solve it or change your perception then radical acceptance.

*Takes practice*

So part of my journey this year is practicing radical acceptance. The other part is to keep moving forward with the goals I set for myself.

Radical acceptance means I can't go back and change Day 1 to yesterday. I can't change what anyone thinks when they read this post. I can post today.

Thanks for being on this journey with me!

And I would love to hear about yours.

A new year...

 When I started this blog many years ago, it was to test my doctor's advice that walking every day was the only exercise I would ever need.

The year of walking proved him right.

Still, I struggled to continue to walk every day. 

I struggled to tackle my next idea for a "year of..." - weight lifting.

I have struggled with weight, stress, death, children growing up, becoming middle age, my own health, and the joys of perimenopause.

Enough health problems over the past few years made me realize it was time to take a "healthy lifestyle" a bit more seriously.

So, here I am. 

Starting up my blog again and knowing I will be writing about more than just walking. Mostly because I love to write and see how the different things in my head actually connect.

Do my sleep hygiene habits truly affect my eating habits? Does drinking more water help me eat less or help me eat healthier? How do I find myself now that no one seems to need me the same way they did for the last 20-some-odd years? Can I accept the new me? the new body? the gray hair? the wrinkles? Or will I always be fighting to be 20-something or 30-something?

Finally, if you are here and reading this, thank you for reading about my journey! 

And I would love to know about yours.

Tomorrow will be "Day 1"

"You're Going the Wrong Way!"

 Jan. 12, 2021 - Going the Wrong Way

Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" starring Steve Martin and John Candy? There is a scene where John Candy's character is driving a car at night. The car spins around, a lot, and Candy mistakenly gets on the highway driving against on-coming traffic. Since it is late at night and out in the middle of nowhere, he doesn't realize his mistake. A couple in a car driving on the correct side of the highway sees him and attempts to tell him. They keep yelling "You're going the wrong way!" Steve Martin and John Candy's characters don't listen to them and almost die driving between two semi's.

That is how I felt yesterday morning when I weighed myself.

I weighed: 159 pounds

My weight went up instead of down.

I even got warnings I was going the wrong way. The MyFitnessPal app is very polite when it tells me every night that "if every day was like today then you will weigh X lbs in 6 weeks". The X almost every night has been higher or close to my current weight.

Did I think the app was lying? Did I think it was drunk? Did I think I knew better?

No, just in denial. 

And it is frustrating.

This is my pattern. Work really hard, stop working hard because of illness, holidays, vacations, then start the whole darn process over again.

I really want to beat myself up. 

I really want to give up. Being healthy feels like an elusive dream.

I really, desperately, want to break this pattern.

How do I maintain good health habits when life happens? Because I know life always happens. 

Okay, enough moaning and crying! Today is a new day and a new opportunity to do better.

And hopefully next week, I won't be going the wrong way.

Here is to a happy, healthful year!