Year 2: Day 306: Who Am I?

To continue my tale of self discovery...I am who I am and I am okay with it.

So who am I?

I am a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a daughter-in-law, a friend, a listener, a cheerleader, a teacher, a care giver, a nurturer, a best friend....the list can go on, but I am first and fore most a child of God.

I like being a child of God.

I like knowing that whatever I am going through, God is there to help me out. And I need a lot of help.

But along with all those titles and jobs and roles....I am me. A person who secretly wants to be noticed, acknowledged, seen as someone important. It doesn't matter if it is holding a leadership position at church or writing a best selling novel.

I just want to be noticed. I, hate to admit this out loud, wan the accolades of the world. I do.

When I started my blogs so many years ago I had visions of being the best blogger out there with thousands of followers.

I have, maybe 8 between my two blogs. Maybe?

And yet, it hasn't stopped me from blogging....but I had it working out so differently in my head.

I have started several books and even sent one out for publishing (and got rejected), but what did I first see in my head? Yes, being a world renowned writer with a ton of fans.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best. There is nothing wrong with becoming the best. But you don't become the best because you imagine it in your head. You become the best because you work the hard. You work hard and become the best. It is that simple.

And along the way of working hard comes sacrifice. Also people might look at you like your a bit odd because you are putting all this time into something that no one else seems to do....like Kung Fu, beading, dancing, writing....

And that is where the other side of me comes in. Sadly, I want to be the best. I want to be noticed for my brilliance, but I don't necessarily want to put in the hard work or sacrifice and I really don't want anyone to see me as odd.

Honest. I don't want to be odd. I don't want to be different. I want to be like everyone else.

So....I want to be the best, I don't want to work hard at being the best and I want to be like everyone else.

Yeah, not sure how that works. Right, it doesn't. It doesn't work.

What it does do is make you look like an idiot for going from thing to thing to thing. What it does do is make you dream your life away. What it does do is make it hard for you to embrace what you love and what is important to you.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a doormat. I am not a fad follower. I am not unthinking. But what I am is a very, very, very good chameleon. I can blend and change to fit in to most groups and in most settings. Which, in the long term is great. I make friends and slowly overtime they see the other sides of me.

What it doesn't do for me is help me to stand out and be noticed or recognize.

The other drawback is sometimes I take myself out of the picture.

For example, I took Japanese in high school and college. My brother (who has an amazing ear for music and languages) decided to learn Japanese as well - so we could speak it together. Instead of seeing a very cool opportunity, all I saw was my brother learning Japanese faster and better than I ever did. So I quit.

I quit things a lot. I also pick things back up again. I'm kind of weird that way.

My daughter says I am a paradox.

Maybe I am.

But I hope I am the best paradox out there and I hope someone notices and praises me for it....especially if everyone else is a paradox too.

Happy Walking!

Year 2: Day 305: Bitterness

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions.

It all started with my very own mom's night out. (For those who don't know, I LOVE Mom's Night Out and think every woman should watch this movie.)

There were 3 of us, all moms and we all just needed a night off.

One friend hosted at her house (because she is just weeks away from having her 3rd child and we didn't blame for not wanting to go anywhere at night).

We ate, we laughed, we solved the world's problems (hey, world! Call us! We got the answers!) and we even debated.

Towards the end, the discussion turned to the church (two of us are LDS). I don't even remember how we got on the topic, but all of sudden I heard myself talking with such bitterness in my voice. I remember desperately wanting to shut up or change the subject, but all I could do was talk bitterly.

Now, I love the LDS faith. I raised in the church and while I did check out other options in my twenties, I ultimately decided the LDS faith was where I wanted to be. I searched for truth and I found it.

I have never been one of those women who feel the church puts down women or treats us unfairly. I have never had a bad experience with anyone (male or female) in leadership positions. I might not agree with every single bishop and Relief Society president I have met, but I have never had a bad experience - one that made me feel inferior or unloved or incapable. Never.

So why the bitterness?

That's just it....I didn't know. I didn't even know I was bitter until I started talking that night!

I pondered on the way home and could only conclude that I was angry at God. Why God? Well, because I saw the many, many times I heeded his answers and I felt that He had put me in a place I didn't want to be and wasn't allowing me to move to where I wanted to be.

Not a physical place, but a spiritual place.

I prayed about marrying Steve and got the strongest yes I have ever received in my life.

Steve has stated many times to me, as he did before we got engaged, that he would more than likely never join the church, but wanted to raise our children in the church.

I was okay with that statement.

I also didn't know what I was getting into....but knowing what I know now, I don't think I would change my decision one bit.

You see, I was okay with that statement because I thought God was going to change Steve's heart or, you know, make Steve change his heart.

Um, yeah, God doesn't work that way. He has never worked that way. I know He doesn't work that way. I know He has never worked that way.

But yeah, for some reason, I thought I was the exception to the rule. Somewhere deep down, where I didn't even admit it to myself, I thought I was the exception to the rule.

And the last few years has shown me that I am not the exception to the rule. Not in any way shape or form.

The last few years has shown me that Steve truly has (and always has had) free agency when it comes to joining the LDS church...just like he has in helping me raise the children in the LDS faith.

Yeah. Steve has been 100% faithful in all that he told me so many years ago - he probably won't join the church, but he will raise the children in the church.

That is what Steve has done. No lies. No backstabbing. No bait and switch. Nothing but faithfulness and loyalty to what he said originally.

That is a good thing. I am so happy about it. Really, I am. I just didn't know I was also bitter about it.

And God? Well, God didn't lie either or forsake me or leave me hanging out to dry. As we have kept God's commandments, we have been blessed. Funny how that works. It isn't like the LDS faith has a corner on blessings, because we don't. It is pretty universal across the whole earth. In fact, I would have to say it is universal across the whole earth and all of time. God hasn't changed.....and He doesn't change....and He never will. You know, God is eternal like that.

So, I have been blessed over the years. I am happy about that.

The bitterness? Yeah, that is because I wanted God to be someone He is not and I wanted my husband to be someone he is not.

Man, I can be so complicated sometimes.

So, cool, right? I know why I am bitter and who I am bitter at and now I just have to get over it.

Well, it didn't matter what I read or how I prayed I was not getting over this bitter feeling. I was still bitter, but my bitterness at God and Steve didn't seem to be there anymore.

After a week of this....well, bitter nonsense, I started acting cranky. Arguing to argue.

I spent a whole day at the park with friends and all I could do was argue (debate sounds so much nicer, but honestly, I was cranky). By the end of the day, I was miserable.

Steve, ever the patient husband, willingly listened while I tried to explain why I was mad at him and God.

When, to my surprise, I found myself telling Steve why I was mad at myself.

Yep, even farther down, without realizing it, I was angry at myself.

Angry at myself for a lifetime of giving up. Angry at myself for a lifetime of trying to be like everyone else. Angry at myself for not being happy with blessings I have been given. Angry at myself for trying to control and change everyone around me to fit into the image of "sameness" that I have in my head.

Trust me, it was an exhausting, emotional revelation.

But once it was out on the table, I felt like a huge weight had lifted.

I am who I am.

And I am good enough.

Happy Walking!

Year 2: Day 304: Check Your Spiritual Health

It has been so long since my last post and I have so much to say.

I'm not even sure I can get it all out...explain it all.

When I started this blog almost two years ago it was with one simple goal - to record my thoughts while walking and to track my weight (and other stats).

Over the course of that first year, I found myself writing about more than just walking and weight. I quickly discovered that so much (if not all) of my life was interconnected.

Being more physically active (just walking 30 minutes a day) helped my depression lift, I started eating and sleeping better, I laughed more....basically I was improving in ways I could not have foreseen or predicted.

This second year has been so much harder.

The move across country, pinching my sciatic nerve, Steve traveling more for his job and the children becoming more involved in extra-curricular activities (like Drama).

My health suffered.

Walking became almost impossible. I stopped sleeping well, my eating habits when down the tubes, I stopped caring about so many things....and unknown to me, my spiritual side was hurting as well.

I still don't understand how the many different sides are tied together. How the physical, spiritual, and emotional health affect one another, but I know they do.

As I strived to get physically healthy (heck, I still wake up in the morning bent and crooked), I ignored the spiritual and emotional health....I didn't think I needed to worry about those areas.

I was wrong.

100% wrong.

Now, before my mother (and others) have a heart attack thinking something awful has happened, let me assure it has not.

This post is merely an attempt to give some background and some advice.

This post is a gentle reminder to myself and maybe to others that as we strive for physical health we have to include those other areas. They all work together.

I think in tomorrow's post I will go into more details about what happened this week and how it has helped me....maybe even changed me?

Happy Walking!

Year 2, Day 236: Decluttering

This has been a year of stopping and starting over....and the year is only half over!

The stopping is always discouraging, but the part to focus on is the starting over. Really, that is what the old proverb, "fall down 7 times, get up 8" means....starting over.

I see stopping as failure. I see failure as a bad thing. But maybe it is time to change that perspective.

I've been reading/working through a wonderful book by Peter Walsh, "Lighten Up". I thought it was going to be a strictly "how to clean up your house" book. It is not. Now, Peter Walsh has books out there like that, but he also has books like "Lighten Up" that puts the whole idea of declutter on its head.

"Lighten Up" is about decluttering your finances, which ends up decluttering some of your emotional clutter and your house clutter.

Who knew it was all connected?

Future posts may be less about exercise and more about decluttering because what I have learned is that until I get other aspects of my life under control, I am never going to get my health under control. For me, the stacks of papers I have ignored for years, the piles of pictures and cards that I have left in boxes for years is a symptom of excuses that I have made to myself.

I have learned that when I feel overwhelmed in the slightest I become inactive and when I am inactive nothing gets done so than I feel overwhelmed. Yup, I pretty ugly circle.

Happily, my finances are not cluttered. The majority of my house is clutter free (I can't stand a cluttered and messy kitchen, bathroom or utility room). The children and I have decided to make scrapbooking our art project for the rest of the year (they are so excited!).

And I have decided to tackle my two biggest stressors (my spirituality and my health) with baby steps.

I like that new beginnings can happen any time of the year.

I like that new beginnings can happen multiple times!!!

Happy Walking!

Year 2, Day 232: 5 Gratitudes for Friday, 53

1. That our latest house hiccup (pack rats) was discovered while both my husband and father-in-law were here at the house. They discovered the pack rats. They took care of the pack rats. Me? I googled pack rats, read about them and saw how cute they are...yep, pack rats are little bit cute. They just don't get to live in my yard.

2. My husband is continuing to ensure the pack rat problem does not come back by having landscapers clean up the bushes around the yard - every bush will have the lower 2 feet cut away. Pack rats do not like sunlight and they don't like to climb trees (to hard to carry their "treasures"). I am so excited. The landscapers will be here on Tuesday!!!

3. For discovering Peter Walsh. For those who watched Oprah or Rachel Ray, you probably know all about Peter Walsh the decluttering guru. I ran across one of his Facebook posts recently and fell in love. I love to clean, declutter and organize! Too many moves recently has made my home the exact opposite of what I prefer, but I am gobbling up Peter Walsh's decluttering challenges (which you can read here) and reading his books. He has one for decluttering your house, your hips, your head and your finances. Loving them!!!! Love that my home and head are getting decluttered! (Finances are golden and the hips will come next!)

4. K having the opportunity to be in charge of our homeschool groups art activity. She did a great job of coming up with an idea (make caterpillars out of cardboard egg cartons) and executing it. She had one caterpillar to show off and then took the children through each step. The other teenagers jumped right in with setting up, preparing the egg cartons and helping the other children. It was great! The woman in charge of art day has asked K to do it again!

5. For so many things. A husband who loves and supports me. For children who are willing to work hard and jump into activities. For friends who love and support me. For lots of rain and lots of sunshine. I am feeling really blessed today.

Happy Walking!

Year 2, Day 211: 5 Gratitudes for Friday, 52

1. Meeting some amazing women today while I was visiting teaching (for those not LDS, visiting teaching is when the women of the church visit each other each month and also are available to help through out the month - I see it as a great excuse to make new friends and talk!). I feel very blessed to have been in the presence of older women who have already been through my stage of life (younger children, teenagers, etc.). I just sat back and listened. I can't wait to visit them again!

2. A librarian who found a way to inspire my son to read more, but to also read some challenging books. He is so excited and working hard - all on his own!

3. My husband's continual support as I strive to better myself and take care of myself - even if that means I am in bed by 8pm!

4. My mom for loving me and supporting me even though we are much too far apart. I would also have to add my sister - who is also much too far away. Heck, let's change number 4 to all of the women in my life who continue to love me and support me and are much to far away! I love the emails, the phone calls, the face book messages, the comments, the text messages...everything - it keeps me going. Thank you!!!!

5. For a heated pool!!!!! I know, I know, I am a wuss because I like my water a nice 85 degrees, but the warm water has been wonderful and when I swim, I don't feel pain. Just so glad Steve is willing to pay for that little extra for my comfort. He is the best!

Happy Walking!

Year 2, Day 204: 5 Gratitudes for Friday, 51

1. Swim classes completed. All my children improved, but Z improved the most because he finally learned to swim! I've been calling the class "swim magic"....now if I could only find "magic" in other subjects! We send a great big thanks to their teacher, Ms. Sam!

2. The leaky pipe in the yard has been fixed - no more mini creek! The plumbers worked hard all day in the hot sun - digging a deep hole and then having to bail water. Wow! But thanks to them and their hard work, we are back to normal.

3. My husband apologizing when he griped at me this morning. He doesn't gripe very often and he apologizes first happens even less often. But I am very thankful for him humbling himself....makes it so much easier to think good thoughts. :)

4. My children spending their own money on LEGO mixels. Mixels are the newest LEGO craze and I have no desire to spend my money on it. My children didn't even ask me to spend my money. They pulled their money together and bought it themselves. Very cool.
You can learn more about Mixels here.

5. My children supporting me in my early bedtime. It is already making a big difference for me. I actually woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off this morning! Still get very tired at the end of the day, but the early bedtime is working (for those who don't know, I am now going to bed at 8pm). I kiss my children goodnight and then each one of them knows what time is their "lights out." So far so good - no one has broken their bedtime. What great children!

Happy Walking!