Opportunity to Recommit

I have been on an incredible journey - still on it in fact - this year.

I honestly do not know if I would have had the courage or the opportunity to take this journey if we had not moved.

I've been reading a wide range of books: self-help, historical fiction, classics, memoirs (war & someone else's life!), manga, a little romance, up-lifting, etc.

I've even started books and for whatever reason have decided not to finish them.

I've started reading the scriptures again. I pray, read & write. Something I learned when we lived in Tennessee and I was a young mother.

I focused solely on my children's education and church. It has been liberating! So much time to get everything done when I focus on the truly important things in my life.

I have also been dealing with pain.

Spent 2 months with a constant headache (I don't recommend doing that). It got so bad that my head was tender to the touch - even my hair follicles hurt!

Then, a wonderful doctor realized I was having problems with my TMJ (the jaw joint). For the past two months, I have been on a mechanical soft food diet (a limited food diet that keep my jaw chewing to a minimum of 3 chews per bite) and 4 different drugs that stopped the pain, reduced the inflammation and relaxed my muscles.

Yesterday, a couple of things happened.

1 - I learned I also have a mild form of sleep apnea. The doctor does not want to address that problem until the jaw is healed. When we do address the sleep apnea, I will more than likely wear either a mask at night to help get oxygen into me or a mouth device that pulls my jaw forward to give my tongue more room so I can get enough oxygen at night.

2 - I was told by my doctor I could start dropping some of the pain medication since I am doing so well.

Pretty exciting, huh?

Actually, it was a bittersweet day.

Who wants to be told they are healing enough in one area to only learn there is another area that must be worked on...okay, maybe I am just being a baby and a bit whiny.

I do know the goal is to be healthy. To be the best me. To live my life to the fullest and, if possible, live pain free.

Here is the thing: I have a choice. Starting today, I have a choice. This choice is going to affect me for the rest of my life.

I can do exactly what the doctor says without changing one personal habit. Never learn to eat better or drink more water or exercise or meditate (to relieve stress) or lose weight (yes, I am about 20 lbs overweight) or any of the other good habits out there.

OR I can do exactly what the doctor says and start to change those personal habits. I can learn to not only eat healthier, but also to eat slower and smaller bites and less food. I can learn to drink my 8 glasses of water each day. I can learn to stand, walk and move more than I sit and lay down. I can learn to be mindful and meditate. I can slowly start to lose weight and keep if off. I can develop good habits.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that the first choice will lead to a long life of doctor appointments, pain medications, and wearing something at night for sleep apnea. I know the first choice will lead to new problems and more problems.

I also know the second choice may not "heal" me completely, but it gives me the best chance of stopping other problems in their tracks or reducing other problems. I know that losing weight and having a healthy lifestyle will only lead to good things. I know this.

And knowing I am on a crossroads is scary. I've had that thought before. I ignored it...and sure enough, here I am with more pain...and more problems.

Before I go onto my next point, I want to say that dropping my nerve pain medicine (which the doctor recommended) did not help. I woke up in the middle of the night with shooting pain between the top of my head and my upper right jaw...like really intense tooth pain. The pain was still there when I woke up this morning.

So, here is the point: It doesn't matter that I ignored my last crossroads. It doesn't matter that I woke up with pain. It really doesn't matter because it has no effect on what I choose to do today.

The old me would have been devastated. The old me would have stubbornly moved on with dropping the medication. The old me would have jumped into change with both feet and guns blazing. The old me would have beat myself up for days and weeks (maybe even months and years).

I am not the old me.

I counseled with my husband and we both agree that I simply go back to taking the medication this week and try again next week Monday. My body obviously needs more time to heal.

I've decided to keep track of what happens when I drop the medicine. So I can tell the doctor at my next appointment.

I've also decided that the best way to go down the path of the second choice is to do it slowly. cautiously.

I've learned that it is far better to make one commitment AND keep that commitment than to make a ton of changes and burn out.

At the end of May, I committed to pray, read my scriptures and write in my journal every single day - even when we were on vacation. I did it. It is now a habit.

I then committed to brushing every morning and night the mouth guard that I have been wearing. Again, it has become a habit.

I am now working on fully following my mechanical soft diet - no more cheats!

This one is hard.

It is slowly getting easier.

I won't add in any other changes until I have that one down.

This is not a race. It isn't even a marathon.

This is my life. And my life extends way beyond this mortal world. My changes will extend into the eternities. I know this.

I know my current situation - the pain, the weight...all of it...is a bondage I put myself into. I know it will take hard work to get out of it. I know I will have to start over or make mistakes or fail or whatever, but I also know that as I keep moving forward doing all that I can do...well, God will bless me. He will choose the time when I am released from my bondage (in this life or the next). And that is okay. That is about trusting him. That is having faith.

Yep, I do my part and He does His. And sometimes, I will get those thoughts or promptings to let me know what to do or that I am on the right path. Yesterday's bittersweet doctor appointment was a wake up call. It was a reminder. It was an opportunity to recommit.

Pretty cool, huh?

Time to start anew...and be on my own

I love writing my blogs.

I have ignored my blogs for a really long time.

I tried off and on the last couple of years to "start over" or pick it back up. The guilt of not writing was huge. The thought that I have nothing to offer  -  even bigger.

I have learned a lot about myself this last year.

I have learned I prefer to live close to family.
I have learned I prefer to have my husband home the majority of the year.
I have learned I don't need much to find joy.
I have learned my children are pretty resilient.
I have learned my children want time with  me more than stuff.
I have learned we are stronger as a family when we are all living together. (Don't worry, Steve was just traveling for work.)

I have learned I shut down when I see others doing what I love. I write a blog and then see everyone else writing a blog...I slowly stop writing my blog. Why compete? Or worse...why write when I will never be as good as the blogs I see being written by my friends and family. This attitude is prevalent through so much of my life: cooking, baking, throwing a party, buying gifts, home schooling, cleaning, clothes shopping & finding what looks fab on me! Well, you get the point, I shut down.

I have learned that I do not yearn to be different or unique. I yearn to be the same as everyone else. However, I want to be the best. So...basically, I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else. And if you factor in the above "I have learned statement" than it is "I want to be the best at being the same as everyone else, but I will give up if I think someone else is better." Whew! That is just exhausting reading it!

I have learned that my body, mind and spirit are just happier when I walk. Heck, I may not lose a ton of weight, but I feel great! (Sadly, to learn this great truth I had to stop walking for so long that I now feel worse than worse.)

I have learned that I do not see my interests as "legit". I love to dance, but I don't...because dancing isn't "real" exercise. I love this book, "Pain Free" by Pete Egoscue. It is a great combination of yoga, Pilate's and other exercises that help relax your muscles and put your body back into alignment. Do I do it regularly? No, because it isn't "real" yoga. I could go on, but you get the picture and are no doubt shaking your head.

I have also learned that I love writing. I love writing about myself. There, I said it. I am a little bit selfish, vain and maybe a tad bit of a narcissistic. Maybe. I have journals and journals and journals full of my thoughts. Thoughts about my day, books that I have read, movies that I have watched. I have thoughts about talks from the LDS church that I have studied. I have thoughts about scriptural passages and ideas that I have studied. I love writing, I love analyzing, and I love applying the information to my life. If I am lucky, all that writing translates in to action in my real life.

I loved writing this blog, but so many times I felt like a phony...why would anyone listen to me. Who am I to be a voice of authority or even voice my opinion.

So...well...this time, I am going to write for me. I am going to treat this like my journals. Maybe one day I will open this blog back up to the public. But for now, for today, I need this to be about me. I am not writing to have a huge following. i am not writing to be a "mommy blogger" or any kind of blogger. I am not writing to one day have my blog turned into a book and then a major motion picture starring either Julia Roberts or Amy Adams. Nope. Not the reason. I am writing for me. So, I can learn and grow. So, I can improve myself. So, I can reap the benefits of hard work...and for no other reason.

This is good. This is real good.

See you tomorrow!

Year 3, Day 80: A silly new idea...

I really like this time of year because there are so many articles about losing weight, getting in shape, etc. I think with having so many articles available it really shows that what is most important is being consistent than any one thing.

This article from Prevention is a great example of my point.

52 ways to lose a pound a week...some of the ideas seemed similar, but for the most part there are 52 different ways to change your thinking, change your eating, change your work out and reward yourself.

In all the examples (ideas from real people), the person lost weight and then kept it off by being consistent. My favorite examples are from people who lost weight umpteen number of years ago and still have the weight off - now that is consistency!

I thought it would be fun to try out some of these ideas (one idea a week and write about it). I am also pretty sure I have my own ideas and my own way of implementing these ideas. And finally, I am not going to try these ideas out in any certain order...just want to have fun. :)

So, without further ado, this week's idea is....

(Talk Yourself Thin) 40. Carry a pen.

The woman in this idea wrote about her stress instead of feeding it. She feels that journaling has become her no-cal stress buster.

I decided to try this one first because I already know how much I love to write; however, I have never thought of writing as a stress buster. I usually wait to do my journaling at the end of the day - when I am about to go to bed. I write in my blogs when I have the time and/or when I have something interesting to say...but I do not write to beat stress. I no longer write creatively (which I miss) and I no longer write down what I am studying (although I am helping my oldest daughter with her spiritual studies).

I know I am stressed. I know I am frustrated a lot by the end of the day...but I do not have a good way of dealing with it. I waste time on the computer. I waste time watching movies. I waste time playing games on my phone. I waste time instead of dealing with the stress.

A lot of my stress comes from things that I have no control - like children having their own minds and opinions about their life! Or being in town all day to run errands (which isn't necessarily stressful, but is very draining). Or having to deal with other people's personalities within a homeschool group or a church group or whatever group I am dealing with at the moment. And lets be honest, sometimes I am dealing with the stress within my own home - the clutter, the mess, the husband who currently is not working (but helping a ton with home school), etc.

Life is stressful. I think it is important to find a way to deal with it. I love the idea of writing out my stress...be it here on my blog, in my journal or even  random note on my phone.

Happy Journey!

Year 3, Day 76: Never. Gonna. Happen.

Yesterday I talked about an article by Dick Talens on four harsh truths that will make you a healthier person. Read the article here and read my post here.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the second harsh truth: When you fail, it's because you are "lazy"

Out of all four truths, this one was the hardest for me to understand. Hard because I don't see myself as lazy. Sure, I have times when I want to be lazy. I even have days when I am lazy. Compared to some of my type A friends, I may look lazy, but I am not lazy.

I know how to work hard.

I don't want to bore you with a list of things that I have done to prove I know how to work hard, but a little list to show I know what I am talking about would probably help. So here are some highlights of hard work over the years (in no particular order):

I put myself through school and graduated with a Bachelors.
I've moved more than a dozen times in my life and I pack & move myself (expect for two times - which actually ended up being more work after the move!).
I washed all the laundry for my family by hand for 30 days because we were without electricity (aftermath of a Super Typhoon).
And I have cleaned up after one Super Typhoon and dozens of smaller typhoons and tropical storms.

I also know how to be mentally tough when another route would be so much easier...examples include:

Attending church every week with 3 children and without my husband - this I have been doing since my oldest was a baby.
Homeschooling my 3 children since my oldest was in 1st grade.


So why do I find the statement that I have failed because I am lazy so hard to understand?

Well, that is what I have been contempating since yesterday's post.

When Talens said "lazy" he wasn't talking about being physically lazy. He acknowledged that sometimes it is better to be a little bit lazy. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break. When Talens said "failed" he wasn't talking about the set backs that we all experience in our "get fit" journey. Again, he acknowledged there will be days when we don't exercise or workout as hard as we should. I don't remember if he mentioned "cheat" days, but eating too much food or the wrong food is not failure - it is just a set back.

What Talens meant by fail and lazy was the mental/emotional toughness. In my above examples, I was able to accomplish the tough tasks because I was mentally and emotionally tough. Granted, some of those examples I was forced to be mentally tough (not like anyone in their right mind would voluntarily choose to wash clothes by hand for 7 people for 30 days). In some of those examples, I was mentally tough because I wanted something badly or was passionate about something (getting my BA and attending church are good examples of this).

After talking to my husband, listening to him telling his Marine Corps stories to a friend, and dong a lot of pondering, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be physically fit/healthy enough.

I started this blog because I wanted to prove my doctor was wrong. My motivating factor was so strong that I overcame the obstacles of bad weather, long days, sick days and just plain "not enough time" days.

After a year, I wanted to branch out and try other things - like strength training. My motivating goal to prove my doctor was gone. If you read posts from year 2 you will see 1) I didn't write as much as I did the first year. 2) It took me a long time to get a good rhythm/routine down for strength training and 3) When I hurt myself, I didn't go back to strength training when the doctor gave me the green light.

In other words, I didn't have the mental toughness to get over a small setback. I already know I operate best when I am being rebellious or proving someone wrong; however, I would like to change that. I would like to become a person who operates best because I am passionate and want to simply operate best (my best).

I know, deep in my heart, I keep waiting for that magical moment when I have had enough of being out of shape, hurting, fat, tired, sick, etc. I am waiting for that magical moment when I wake up in the morning, I know that today will be the first day of a new life - of working out, eating healthy and reaching those goals.

This morning, I woke up and realized this has truth: That is Never Going to Happen!

Never. Gonna. Happen.

Never. Happen.

Never.

Why? Because that is not how it works.

When I first started going to church with the children and without my husband, I did not have a magical moment of "I'm going to church no matter what". Instead, I had days when I didn't want to go and had to talk myself into going. I had days when I need my husband to gently encourage/support me in my desire to go. I even had days when I didn't go, felt horrible/guilty and went the next week.

When I went to college, there were many times I just wanted to bag the whole thing. Times when I was tired of working jobs all through school and even in the summers. There were times when I wondered if all the studying was worth it. Sometimes, I didn't study as good as I should have. Sometimes I even failed a class. But I kept at it, I picked myself back up and kept going and trying and studying and striving to do better.

That, my friends, is the definition of a winner. That, my friends, is the definition of success. That, my friends, is the definition of mental toughness. And that, my friends, is what I have to remember when it comes to being healthy.

I am not ever going to have a magical moment. I am going to have tough days. I am going to have bad days. I am going to have days when I just don't care. I am going to have to recommit each and every day. I am going to have to forgive myself and move one. I am going to have set backs. I am going to have little victories. But I am never having a magical moment.

And I am okay with that.

Happy Journey!

Year 3, Day 75: Food for thought

I ran across "Four Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Healthier Person" written by Dick Talens. You can read it here.

The basic premise of the article is perhaps you, the reader of said article, needs to re-evaluate what you think, do and know about health.

Here is the quick list:

1 - You are responsible for your health - not your genes.
2 - When you fail it is because you are "lazy"
3 - You probably know less than you think about health & fitness
4 - You are too sensitive about your existing beliefs

I actually agree with each above item...although #2 is a little hard to hear...which means it is hard for me to understand. He does a great job of explaining what he means by failure and lazy...and sadly, I think I am in the "lazy" category...dang, I hate hearing that stuff.

I think what I liked about the article is it reminded me that it is okay for me to follow my own path, draw my own conclusions.

I did an earlier post pointing out all the contradictory information we are given about health and fitness. You can read it here.

Today, I saw in the news that the US government is changing its recommendations on cholesterol.

Lesson learned? Do your own research, when choosing to trust an authority figure - research their background, do not turn off your own brain and listen to your own body.

I am the weight I am because I chose not to be as active as I got older. I also chose to eat out more. I'm pretty sure this is a no brainer: lower output, higher input equals weight gain.

I am also pretty sure I have some beliefs about eating healthy that just isn't true. I don't know...like sugar is sugar is sugar so it doesn't matter if it is table sugar, honey or high fructose corn syrup. Maybe that idea is wrong...or maybe it is right. I don't really know. I've read one article and listened to all of my friends - in other words I have turned off my brain.

I want the easy path. I don't want to work hard. I don't want to sacrifice or make tough choices. I want to be lazy, but still be fit and trim.

People who are fit - real people, musicians, movie stars, athletes...whomever, they are where they are because of hard work. Because they listened to their bodies. Because they sacrificed. Because they were willing to ask questions and listen to the answers.

I'm never going to change until I am willing to do those things.

It is so much easier to make a small change and do a lot of writing about it then actually do the hard work.

Just food for thought.

Happy Journey!

Year 3, Day 74: Frustrations

I love writing. I love writing this blog.

What I don't love is trying to find time to write!

I will have great ideas for a post, but then when I finally sit down at my computer I can't remember the idea!

Some days I crawl into bed and realize I either forgot to blog or never could find the time to blog.

Then there are the days when this blog never even enters my brain.

End result is always the same - frustration.

No promises to do better.

Just my rant of frustration over writing.

I also have frustration over my lack of will power. My lack of time to exercise.

But I am pretty sure the frustration over writing will be solved sooner than the other two...

Here is looking forward to a better tomorrow!

Happy Journey!

Year 3: Day 64: Food Musings

I am not big on writing down what I eat...why? Because I am lazy. That is the short answer.
The long answer? I do really good writing down everything and watching what I eat because I want my paper to look "good"....and then I get busy, bored or hungry (or start craving a food) and the food log slowly becomes a thing of the past.

I'm still not writing down everything I eat, but what I am doing is writing down one meal I had that day that I think can be improved.

For example, the other day I had one of my favorite meals (which my family calls the Bruno Plate - named after my favorite piano teacher, Bruno.) The Bruno Plate consists of bread (either dipped in olive oil or a thin layer of olive oil spread on the bread. I like my bread toasted and a thin layer of olive oil spread on it. My oldest daughter likes untested bread dipped into olive oil.), some cheese (any kind of cheese works), and some fruit (yep, any kind of fruit works).

Simple right? Bread, cheese and fruit. Not much room for improvement....except that bread. I am still buying wonder bread. I don't care that it is white. I know, deep down, that whole wheat bread is better for me, but...I am the only one who will eat it! I hate spending money on something that only I will eat.

Yes, I am being whiny! Why thank you for noticing! Eating healthy, when you are the only one in the family trying to eat healthy is hard. A lot of compromises are made.

Yet, when I look at that meal...Bread, cheese and fruit. I know, deep down I know, that if I made my bread 100% whole wheat I am changing an okay meal (nutrition wise) to a knock out meal (health wise). Sigh.

On the plus side, I have decided to take this opportunity to start making my own bread. I can make a loaf of white bread for the family and a loaf of wheat bread for me. Who knows, maybe over time my family will let me slowly darken their bread....in the mean time, I am making a great big leap towards a healthier me. I guess, that is a win-win.

Happy Journey!