Day 48 - 52, 2024 - Harder than I thought

 This week was harder than I expected.

I knew it would be hard because of the homework from my grief counselor - I've discovered I am more negative with my thoughts and memories than I realized. sigh.

While doing my homework I realized this was the week my aunt died.

What I wasn't expecting was how hard - mentally, physically, and emotionally it was going to be

I basically did nothing on Thursday and Friday. 

I took super long naps both days. 

I could feel myself on the verge of tears whenever I spoke.

My husband did take me to Barnes and Noble so I could buy a book. The book is Are You There God? It's me Margaret by Judy Blume. My aunt bought it for me when I was in the 6th grade. Somehow it got lost and I wanted a new one.

I tried different ways I could honor my aunt and remember her.

I have a display shelf where I rotate books every month. currently one about Degas is on display. My aunt was able to go to Paris before she passed away. It was a lifelong dream of hers.

I also read two children's books Good Dog, Carl and Max's New Suit - books/characters introduced to me by my Aunt.

I've tried to talk more about her to my family. But I just end up crying. Everything is still too raw.

I see now that I did not give myself time to grieve her. That I just pushed it down and went on with life not realizing the pain I was causing myself.

I hated being depressed the last two days. I ignored my box and cards. I skipped showering on both days. I hated it.

Today is a new day and a new start.

And yes, I have already showered.

Grief sucks. It is a beast that rears its head - at any time; especially on the yearly anniversary when a loved one has passed away.

Today is my Aunt's first death anniversary. 

Last year the 10th landed on a Thursday. 

That Thursday is always going to be hard.

Over time with the right tools I will find a better way to share my love for my aunt.

In the meantime... it is all about the journey. right?

Day 47, 2024: Hard emotions

 I saw my grief counselor today.

Spent the majority of the time talking about my aunt's death. It felt good. I haven't talked about her death or what life was like for her towards the end. She died of brain cancer. There was never going to be a miracle remission. It was tough to watch her slowly deteriorate and revert back to not being able to take care of herself at all and to become non-verbal.

I cried through the whole session.

My counselor told me to find a way to honor my Aunt's life - her first death anniversary is this week. My counselor also wants me to do homework where I list all the big things that happened in my life - the good and the not good. Finally, she told me to be kind to myself because I had done hard work that day.

I worked on my homework. A lot of not good since 2018. The good is thin; yet, our trip with our Illinois friends was a good week.

I took a nap.

I read some children's books my aunt bought for my youngest brother and then I bought them for my children. My aunt found the best books.

I will reread two books my Aunt bought me when I was 12 - Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume and A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. I will probably watch the movie versions with my children.

I spent some time with my family. 

And yet... the thought of doing something as simple as washing my face before bedtime seems overwhelming. I did it, but it felt overwhelming. I've decided not to add anything new to my daily routines and to push back the monthly cleaning.

I also decided to have a late-night meal. 

I wasn't hungry. I wanted the comfort of familiar foods.

And here I am writing about how hard today has been because the hard days are part of the journey as well. And sometimes you move forward with grace and other times you move forward - eating pasta salad you don't need.

Here is hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Day 44 - 46, 2024: I don't fully trust myself

 My new plan is working.

I did everything in the box and on the cards. I did the stuff on the days I chose to do it. I even got bonus things done that I had listed on a "future projects" list.

I was super productive. And I managed to do things with my kids, play video games with my husband, and get some "me time" in.

And yet, at the back of my mind, I keep wondering if this time it will stick. If this time I can do this for the long haul. If this time I will actually create lifelong habits.... or if the first illness, vacation, or crisis will tip it all over and it will take me months to get back on track.

This is my pattern.

I excel at this pattern.

This pattern is so obvious, that my husband and children point it out to me... all the time. We even joke about it.

Oh! And the pattern can start by simply having someone close/important to me compliment me on a job well done. "Wow! You are doing a great job taking care of the house and kids!" - two weeks later everything is in chaos and I am creating a new way to keep myself on track.

I'm nervous. 

I don't know how to break the cycle.

I noticed these past two weeks that while I was being super productive, I never fully relaxed. Even in my free time or taking a shower, I was moving at a "need to hurry" pace. Like I was rushing through it all to have my cards done quickly. Like there was a bonus for being fast.

I also caught myself going over what I accomplished in a day and reassuring myself that I earned that hour of free time; which I used for playing a game or watching TV. I don't have to "earn" time to take care of myself or enjoy the things I am doing, but I also can't seem to reframe those thoughts. I am trying though!

This morning is my free day. I can do whatever I want. The only cards are personal hygiene cards. 

I. literally. can. choose. anything.

No clue! No idea! Not one!!!!

I will probably play a video game with my husband. I enjoy doing that, but is that what I want to do on my free day? No clue.

As GI Joe always said, "Knowing is half the battle."

I say, "The other half is the hard part - figuring out how to apply that knowledge."

Hah

At least I have the first half down I am aware of the issues that popped up from using the card system. Now to figure out how to resolve them

Happy Journey!

Day 41 - 43, 2024: Progress and a little nervous

 I absolutely love using the card system again.

I love the connection between the cards and building trust.

I love my new perspective on hobbies... although... I haven't mentioned that... yet.

And yet, I am nervous.

Nervous that this will all be temporary.

Nervous that I will slide back into being constantly behind and feeling stressed from my procrastination.

My aunt asked me once what I got from my bad habit.

I have no idea.

A momentary high of digging myself out of the hole I dug for myself?

Or... maybe... I am just perpetuating the pattern I was taught.

Or... maybe,,, I have some ADHD tendencies.

Or... maybe... I am simply a broken person trying to repair herself.

Whatever the reason, I can say that I have gotten so much done in the last two weeks and I also gave myself lots of breaks and "me time". 

I could learn to love this life.

Hope you are having a great day!