Day 44 - 46, 2024: I don't fully trust myself

 My new plan is working.

I did everything in the box and on the cards. I did the stuff on the days I chose to do it. I even got bonus things done that I had listed on a "future projects" list.

I was super productive. And I managed to do things with my kids, play video games with my husband, and get some "me time" in.

And yet, at the back of my mind, I keep wondering if this time it will stick. If this time I can do this for the long haul. If this time I will actually create lifelong habits.... or if the first illness, vacation, or crisis will tip it all over and it will take me months to get back on track.

This is my pattern.

I excel at this pattern.

This pattern is so obvious, that my husband and children point it out to me... all the time. We even joke about it.

Oh! And the pattern can start by simply having someone close/important to me compliment me on a job well done. "Wow! You are doing a great job taking care of the house and kids!" - two weeks later everything is in chaos and I am creating a new way to keep myself on track.

I'm nervous. 

I don't know how to break the cycle.

I noticed these past two weeks that while I was being super productive, I never fully relaxed. Even in my free time or taking a shower, I was moving at a "need to hurry" pace. Like I was rushing through it all to have my cards done quickly. Like there was a bonus for being fast.

I also caught myself going over what I accomplished in a day and reassuring myself that I earned that hour of free time; which I used for playing a game or watching TV. I don't have to "earn" time to take care of myself or enjoy the things I am doing, but I also can't seem to reframe those thoughts. I am trying though!

This morning is my free day. I can do whatever I want. The only cards are personal hygiene cards. 

I. literally. can. choose. anything.

No clue! No idea! Not one!!!!

I will probably play a video game with my husband. I enjoy doing that, but is that what I want to do on my free day? No clue.

As GI Joe always said, "Knowing is half the battle."

I say, "The other half is the hard part - figuring out how to apply that knowledge."

Hah

At least I have the first half down I am aware of the issues that popped up from using the card system. Now to figure out how to resolve them

Happy Journey!