Day 47, 2024: Hard emotions

 I saw my grief counselor today.

Spent the majority of the time talking about my aunt's death. It felt good. I haven't talked about her death or what life was like for her towards the end. She died of brain cancer. There was never going to be a miracle remission. It was tough to watch her slowly deteriorate and revert back to not being able to take care of herself at all and to become non-verbal.

I cried through the whole session.

My counselor told me to find a way to honor my Aunt's life - her first death anniversary is this week. My counselor also wants me to do homework where I list all the big things that happened in my life - the good and the not good. Finally, she told me to be kind to myself because I had done hard work that day.

I worked on my homework. A lot of not good since 2018. The good is thin; yet, our trip with our Illinois friends was a good week.

I took a nap.

I read some children's books my aunt bought for my youngest brother and then I bought them for my children. My aunt found the best books.

I will reread two books my Aunt bought me when I was 12 - Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume and A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. I will probably watch the movie versions with my children.

I spent some time with my family. 

And yet... the thought of doing something as simple as washing my face before bedtime seems overwhelming. I did it, but it felt overwhelming. I've decided not to add anything new to my daily routines and to push back the monthly cleaning.

I also decided to have a late-night meal. 

I wasn't hungry. I wanted the comfort of familiar foods.

And here I am writing about how hard today has been because the hard days are part of the journey as well. And sometimes you move forward with grace and other times you move forward - eating pasta salad you don't need.

Here is hoping tomorrow is a better day.