Day 48 - 52, 2024 - Harder than I thought

 This week was harder than I expected.

I knew it would be hard because of the homework from my grief counselor - I've discovered I am more negative with my thoughts and memories than I realized. sigh.

While doing my homework I realized this was the week my aunt died.

What I wasn't expecting was how hard - mentally, physically, and emotionally it was going to be

I basically did nothing on Thursday and Friday. 

I took super long naps both days. 

I could feel myself on the verge of tears whenever I spoke.

My husband did take me to Barnes and Noble so I could buy a book. The book is Are You There God? It's me Margaret by Judy Blume. My aunt bought it for me when I was in the 6th grade. Somehow it got lost and I wanted a new one.

I tried different ways I could honor my aunt and remember her.

I have a display shelf where I rotate books every month. currently one about Degas is on display. My aunt was able to go to Paris before she passed away. It was a lifelong dream of hers.

I also read two children's books Good Dog, Carl and Max's New Suit - books/characters introduced to me by my Aunt.

I've tried to talk more about her to my family. But I just end up crying. Everything is still too raw.

I see now that I did not give myself time to grieve her. That I just pushed it down and went on with life not realizing the pain I was causing myself.

I hated being depressed the last two days. I ignored my box and cards. I skipped showering on both days. I hated it.

Today is a new day and a new start.

And yes, I have already showered.

Grief sucks. It is a beast that rears its head - at any time; especially on the yearly anniversary when a loved one has passed away.

Today is my Aunt's first death anniversary. 

Last year the 10th landed on a Thursday. 

That Thursday is always going to be hard.

Over time with the right tools I will find a better way to share my love for my aunt.

In the meantime... it is all about the journey. right?