Day 32 - 40, 2024: Too long Between Posts

 Wow! No clue it had been nine days since my last post!

Nine days!

It's not a very good "here is my journey" blog if I go that many days in between posts.

Then again, maybe that is all part of the journey.

Grief Counseling is kicking my mental butt.

Slowly digging myself out of the hole of procrastination and depression takes its toll on me.

Twice last week I took super long naps in the afternoon. Three-hour plus naps. I know that isn't good for me. I know it messes with my bedtime. And yet, it happened. And it will probably happen again.

If napping could be a hobby, it would be my favorite.

I did have one insight this past week.

Using the Side-Tracked Home Executives system of 3x5 cards to keep the house and life running is the same as using an alarm clock to wake up in the morning.

In the book about building trust by Covey, I learned that every time I get up in the morning with the alarm (and not hitting snooze) I am building trust with myself.

It works awesome. If the alarm goes off, I get up. If the alarm doesn't go off, I sleep in without guilt or backsliding. My brain has learned the difference.

I see the cards the same way. 

With enough time to use the card system correctly, I am building trust with myself. Trust that I will take a shower. Trust that I will floss my teeth. Trust that I will get the kitchen clean. Trust that the things I say are important to me, are important to me and I will get them done.

In time, I can teach my brain that when a card is not part of the day's tasks then I don't have to do them...and there will be no guilt or backsliding. My brain can and will learn the difference.

I am excited about this.

How do you build trust with yourself?

Enjoy the journey!

Day 22 - 31, 2024 - Avoiding

 I have been avoiding anything that hasn't been an absolute necessity.

I've gone to all of my appointments. 

I even put together an organizing presentation for a church group. (I love talking about organizing - it is my favorite subject).

I've managed to shower almost every day.

I have spent some much-needed one-on-one time with my husband. We usually play video games together.

But...

I shut down everywhere else. 

I had to tell my original therapist that I was seeing a grief counselor along with seeing them. The words from the therapist were positive... but... the feeling I got was that I messed up. 

As a result, I really don't want to blog or do anything else.

I did manage to read a book. 

But that only happened because I started the book at the eye doctor's. My three children and I had back-to-back appointments so I had a few hours of reading that I got in. The book was engaging enough to read non-stop for the next two days.

Almost felt like a teenager again.

Good times. good times.

I see my grief counselor tomorrow. Hopefully, it will help.

I've been mulling over what I presented to the church group on organizing and have realized that... well... I am not practicing what I preached about and what I know helps me keep life running smoothly. Obviously, grief and depression can mess with you like that, but... I've ignored those tips and tricks for a long time. Like I was trying to be someone I am not. Someone who can naturally get things done without some type of reminder system.

I'm setting my tips back up.

I'll keep you posted.

Enjoy the journey!

Day 20 & 21, 2024: Goals

 I have other things on my mind today; however, I want to discuss these goals because they are a part of my journey. And a part of my desire to have radical acceptance.

Over the years, doctors have recommended lifestyle changes, daily practices, or supplements to improve my health. Sometimes I have listened, sometimes not.

Recently, I was diagnosed with EOE (Eosinophilic Esophagitis) and as a result, I can no longer eat dairy and must take Prilosec for the rest of my life.

And then I had my very first kidney stone. It was a doozy - too big to pass and surgery was required. My urologist has advised me to increase my water intake and to eat 7 servings of fruits and vegetables daily.

I got the message - Time to follow all the doctor's orders.

I then wrote down all the advice I had gotten from a doctor, a tech, or a nurse over the years.

Here is the list:

Teeth: Use sensitive toothpaste; rub Vitamin E on gums at night; wear a retainer nightly, floss; use an electric toothbrush; use Biotin (for dry mouth); and dab a little sensitive toothpaste throughout the day.

Scalp/skin: I use a topical solution the night before I wash my hair to help with the problem. Whatever it is - I can't remember anymore. Sigh. And, of course, wear sunscreen daily. Also, in my 20s I was told to use mineral oil (a tiny bit) on my skin right after I shower. Then dab dry and apply lotion. It helps with dry skin.

Sleep: Create a sleep hygiene schedule, use nose strips (I have mild sleep apnea), and sleep with the upper portion of my bed at an angle.

Back/Posture: Use a foam roller, do the physical therapy exercises, do the back exercises

Sciatic nerve: use a smaller lighter purse; daily stretches for where my sciatic nerve was pinched.

Mental Health: Mantras twice a day; journaling; meditation; mindfulness

Incontinence: yoga, pelvic stretches

Eyes: Eye drops 2x a day; fish oil

Hormones/Perimenopause: birth control pills

Fatigue: Vitamin D, B12, Iron, and daily walking (I usually walk with my husband who was told by his cardiologist to walk 30 minutes daily).

Other: Take Cholesterol medicine daily, Take my blood pressure daily, and take blood pressure medicine daily.

And finally: Drink more water, eat 7 servings of fruit and veggies, and avoid dairy.

Out of this incredibly long list, I am consistent with any medications and supplements I must take. And, maybe, I do 25% of the rest consistently. This is why I focus on adding these things in... slowly. 

Very, very, slowly.

For example, I add one serving a month for fruits and vegetables. Month 1 = 1 serving; Month 2 = 2 servings, etc. I am currently at 5 servings of fruits and vegetables and 5 glasses of water daily. And it is a struggle to get it in. I may be at this number for a while. My rule is: to stay where I am until it is automatic and easy. Something I can do without thinking.

And no, I am not trying to accomplish that entire list today or even this year. 

I chose food, water, sleep hygiene, and personal hygiene as my focus. They seemed the easiest to put into my schedule (or back into my schedule - like showering). 

I use a chart to keep track of what I do each day.

As of right now, I do not reward myself. Unsure how to or if I even want to.

A part of me doesn't want to reward myself because this is stuff I should be doing anyway.

I don't know.

Does anyone else reward themselves?

Have a great day!

Day 19, 2024: Grumpy

 I have not worked in July. My job follows the school schedule and school is currently out for the summer.

When I do work, it is typically after school - I am a tutor and most of my tutoring occurs in the afternoon.

I already mentioned that I learned to get up early before my children woke up. (right? There is a previous post on the subject?)

Because my children were early morning risers I got up at 5 am.

I hate getting up at 5 am - especially when the sun is not up. Getting up when it is dark is a crime against humanity... or at least me.

Once my children were older and sleeping in, I got up at 6am. Not a bad time and except in the dead of winter the sun is either up or will rise soon so it doesn't piss me off as much.

But...

June 21st  was my last day working as a summer tutor and using an alarm. It has been heavenly.

I have loved sleeping in. 

Once I slept in until 8am. Score!

I mentioned in a different post that I am not as motivated to get work done when I wake up by the sun.

Well, I got up today by alarm and I have been grumpy.

Grumpy that I got up. 

Grumpy that I went for a walk and it was HOT.

Grumpy that I had to take a shower - I felt humid and sticky and gross.

Grumpy that I have not been any more productive than these past few weeks of sleeping in.

(And yes, I warned my family that I was grumpy today. Everyone is leaving me alone.)

But what I am happy about... or at least grateful about is walking.

I have known for a while I need to get my morning walks back in. It is a great time for my husband and I to chat without worrying about people listening in. It gives a tiny boost of energy and endorphins We have both been told by doctors that walking is the best cardio for us to do. 

I wish I could roll out of bed at 8am and go walking... But where I live with 110 (plus) temperatures it is bad! 

Mentioning doctors and their advice, the rest of my goals all center on doctor recommendations. And it is a long list. 

The goal is to write about that next.

Happy journey!

Day 17 & 18, 2024: Grief Counseling

 Today I met with my grief counselor for the first time.

I have a regular therapist whom I absolutely love. 

Could she have helped me through the grief? Probably. 

Why didn't I ask her? Because my husband thought a different therapist who only focuses on my grief would be best.

Why did he think it was best? Almost two months after the death of the first grader whom I worked with, I am still grieving and depressed. It isn't getting better.

The grief counselor is a regular therapist but I refer to her as a grief counselor to keep the two therapists separate in my mind. 

I also feel like I am cheating on my regular therapist. I see her on Wednesday. I will confess my "cheating". I am open to the two of them discussing me - exchanging notes, working together, etc. I have no idea if this sort of thing is done or not. But I guess it can be done since I am doing it. 

And yes, the grief counselor knows I have a regular therapist.

My husband sees the grief counselor as a specialist. Like with medical doctors, you have your primary care physician and see specialists for specific problems.

Hopefully, my regular therapist will see it that way as well.

I like the grief counselor. She is super nice and easy to talk to. I am excited and nervous about working through this grief.

She did ask me what my end goal was - how would I know that therapy worked and I "graduated"?

My answer: I want to want to shower and no longer spend my free time playing iPad games.

It always comes back to the shower.

Lots of love on your journey.

Day 13, 14, 15 & 16, 2024: Happy 4th of July (yesterday)

 I meant to write a post yesterday since it was the 4th of July. 

I either got busy or a little too relaxed or both. Either way, the post never got written.

Not that I had anything to say about the 4th of July.

It is a holiday and I like taking holidays easier than other days. Always have. I am not a big decorator or into big celebrations. I am into spending as much time as I can with my family. Hopefully, I did something right as a parent since my children want to do stuff with me (and my husband, their dad),

I noticed that last week I was super productive. This week, not so much. 

I didn't shower every day.

In fact yesterday I admitted out loud that getting into the shower is hard, but once I am there I love it. 

That got me thinking, "What can I do to ensure that I am more productive?" Not that productivity is a good measure for no longer being depressed. Being productive does mean things, like cleaning, don't pile up.

I have a love-hate relationship with cleaning. 

But I digress.

Being productive and taking on the day starts before taking a shower. At least for me, it does.

It starts with when and how I wake up.

Since my children were little I have gotten up an hour before they did. This hour gave me time to fully wake up and start my day without needing to be "on" immediately. I am not a morning person and need time to myself when I first wake up. Also, my children being greeted by a grumpy mom every morning was a bad idea.

To wake up an hour earlier required an alarm. 

Left to my own devices I will sleep until either the sunshine is too bright in my room or my bladder is too full. 

I do not use a snooze button. 

I read a book* about trust and the importance of building trust with yourself. The example given was the alarm clock. And how every time we use the snooze button we undermine our trust with ourselves. 

Since then, I either get up with an alarm or I turn the alarm off. My brain knows the difference.

Three guesses about what I have been doing since I switched from an early morning job to a late afternoon job! Not using my alarm.

Is my brain acting like each day is relaxed or easy simply because I wake up when I want?

I have been productive this week, but I have to talk myself into it and then take a lot of breaks. "Oh, I've been working for twenty minutes? Let's take a twenty-minute break!" Yeah, I get things done, just... I could do more. And showering or getting dressed is still a struggle. I struggle to feel... feel something other than blah.

Starting tomorrow, I will go back to using my alarm and see if that makes a difference in taking showers, being a little bit more productive, and... not feeling quite so... out of it.

Thanks for reading!

*The book is The Speed of Trust by Stephen M.R. Covey. It was written for businesses to use with their employees. Maybe. Don't quote me on that. I never finished the book. But the beginning was all about building trust with yourself. Also, I have never figured out how to duplicate the alarm clock trust-building activity with other things... like eating healthier.

Day 9, 10, 11, & 12, 2024: Oops! thank goodness today is July 1st!

 Good Morning!

I didn't realize I went that many days without writing.

I wrote a ton in my head. 

Do you ever do that? Write and create in your head but simply don't write it down?

I do it all the time.

But that is me. And I am accepting it.

Today is a new day... a new dawn... aren't those the words in a Michae Buble song?

I have spent three days running errands, cleaning, and doing laundry. The errands and laundry happened even on my most depressed days. But cleaning...? yeah, it went the wayside.

There is satisfaction in working so hard that your feet ache at the end of the day. Walking up to muscles sore and (more importantly) a clean house.

In some ways it is more satisfying cleaning a bathtub when you can see the soap scum than when you are cleaning it for maintenance - in other words, you clean it so it always looks clean.

Is that weird?

I would rather ignore my house for a month and then slave for three days to see the satisfaction of dirt and grime coming off sinks, mirrors, counters, the shower, etc.

It is weird. And a little stupid. Okay, not stupid. Trying to change how I talk about myself. How about... a little counterproductive? counter-intuitive? makes things harder?

Certainly goes against what I have tried to teach my children: do a task that takes 5 minutes so you don't have to spend an hour doing the same thing.

I should listen to myself more. Hah!

Now it is Monday morning. The beginning of a new week and a new month. How do I keep from falling back into bad habits? how do I keep from giving in to the grief and depression that always seems to be under the surface? How do I keep myself productive? How do I not procrastinate?

These have been the questions for most of my life.

It was a lot easier when I was a kid and my mom decided when things had to be done. And if the chores didn't get done, then I didn't get to see my friends. Seeing my friends was a huge motivation.

It was also easier when I raised my children because I knew it was important for them to have consistency in their life and they needed to learn the importance of work.

Now it is just me.

Well, my children live at home as young adults. They have their chores. I no longer tell them when to do the chores or how to do them. That is up to them. In some ways, they are more consistent than I am.

No, it is just me for cleaning my bedroom and bathroom. Never thought that would be a hard task. (I do need to mention that my husband will jump in and help when he isn't working. But I am the one that spearheads the cleaning. Probably because it bothers me sooner than it does him? I don't know. Doesn't matter. No one complains at my house. I could continue to explain this, but everyone will think about my husband what they want, and how we divide the work of the home. I need to accept that).

This is getting long. The next time I write I will talk about how I love charts and organizing strategies and how it usually helps me stay on track.

Hope you are enjoying the journey!